We all want to be happy. To experience unbridled joy and live in the moment. To laugh and play and get out of our heads and into our bodies more often. But it’s easier said than done when you’re a grownup, right? Add the curveballs that midlife can throw your way, and it’s downright challenging. In this solo episode, I’m talking about how you can get some of that good stuff back into your life. How you can open yourself up to experiencing more pleasure, no matter how busy you are and what hardships you may be facing. And how you can start feeling more joyful and playful, right now, wherever you are.
Welcome to More Beautiful, the podcast for women rewriting the midlife playbook. I’m your host, Maryann LoRusso, and I invite you to join me and my guests as we strive for a life that’s more joyful, more fulfilling, and more beautiful than ever before.
What would you do if you were on your bike, about two miles from home, wearing flip-flops and no jacket, and the weather suddenly turned from sunny and bright to dark and stormy, and the rain started pouring down on you in buckets, soaking through your clothes and making it hard to see the road in front of you? I don’t know about you, but if I’m being honest, there’s a good chance I’d start cursing and just praying I make it home before I fall off my bike or skid off the road. I’d probably pull off to the side of the road and take shelter under an awning or something.
Well, when I was about 11 and my sister, Nicole, was 8, this happened to us one summer while we were riding our pink Huffy bicycles home from the local shopping mall. We got caught up in a thunderstorm when the rain came, almost out of nowhere, and started falling hard all around us. Within minutes we were drenched. Our sneakers and socks were soggy. Our hair was clinging to our faces like wet mops. And what did we do? We shook the water from our heads and kicked up our heels and opened our mouths so we could taste the rain. And we looked at each other and laughed hysterically as we peddled faster and faster toward our house. But we really didn’t care about the destination, because we were enjoying the ride so much. We were soaked to the bone, and we were having the time of our lives. We laughed all the way home and would have probably stayed out in the rain longer if our mother had not insisted that we come inside and dry off.
From time to time, I’ve thought about that afternoon getting stuck in a thunderstorm. It’s one of my best childhood memories, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one of my sister’s too. Because it was a time that I experienced true joy and exhilaration.
We all want to have those moments throughout our lifetime. But the older we get, sometimes it’s easier said than done. We start to worry about the various things that could go wrong if we just let go. We become more serious, self-conscious and restrained. We start compartmentalizing our fun, deciding that there’s a time and a place for everything, which is true to some extent. We have expectations to live up to, deadlines to meet, stuff to get done, so god forbid we goof off spontaneously, right?
Maybe you’re better than me at enjoying the moment at every turn. And I hope you are. But I’m still working on it. My husband and I recently did an Instagram reel where played our version of the newlywed game, but it for us, because we’ve been married for almost 30 years, it was called the Not-so-newlywed game. One of the questions we tried to guess for each other is what our last meal would be, and Steve guessed that my response for myself would be a salad and I couldn’t believe it. Why the hell would he think my last meal would be a salad? I knew my last meal would NOT be a salad, but something far yummier than that, but it made me think, am I the kind of person who would seemingly be disciplined and healthy up until the very end? And what does that say about how I AM living my life?
Truth is, I didn’t used to be that way. When I was a kid, I used to think more about what I wanted rather than what I should do, or what was the sensible option. But, for all the reasons I mentioned, I changed. Sure, I can still have fun. But I seem to always have this little voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I have to get up early tomorrow, that I can’t get sick because this or that is coming up, that I can’t eat that because I want to stay healthy.
But I want to have more spontaneous fun. I want to experience more unbridled joy. I want to get out of my head and into my body more. And I know you want that for yourself too. Because life is short. We don’t know when the other shoe will drop. And because after living this many years and working so hard and taking care of so many people, we deserve it.
So how do we, as mature adults, throw caution to the wind and live life more joyfully?
I’ve had many experts on the show who have advised us to “play more.” To dance, laugh, enjoy the little things and try to recapture some of the free-spirited behavior we exhibited as kids.
But it’s easier said than done. Midlife is sort of the epicenter of our life’s obligations. We are the sandwich generation, juggling busy schedules, obligations and responsibilities. It can be challenging to just carve out a little time to relax, never mind trying to experience unbridled joy. We’re lucky if we’re able to have a conversation with our partner, make a homecooked meal and then plop in front of our laptops to binge the latest Netflix show.
Since we’re the sandwich generation, juggling all these responsibilities, maybe that’s why a lot of us have been talking about the concept of a Second Spring. It’s something that we all seem to be looking forward to. I first heard the term mentioned in the amazing Amazon series Mozart in the Jungle, in which a character’s parents were said to be enjoying their second spring. The couple was retired. They were empty nesters. And they were apparently having the time of their lives, reconnecting with one another and experiencing more fun than they had in their younger years.
Another time the concept of a second spring came up was with Kate Codrington, one of my podcast guests, who wrote a book called Second Spring. And recently, I read that in traditional Chinese medicine, menopause is called the Second Spring in a woman’s life. It represents the renewal of energy and opportunities as there is a shift from fertility and reproduction, to conserving and nourishing the self. By the way, the Japanese have a similar word for this time of life. It’s called Konenki, and it means renewal of life and energy. And I think that’s such a beautiful and empowering way to view menopause, don’t you? In our culture, we frame it like an ending, instead of a joyous beginning, and that’s just ridiculous.
My mother-in-law, who is 94 and was recently a guest on my show, told me that being a grandmother is so much fun, in fact much more fun than having children – a statement you’ve probably heard from your friend too, or if you’re a grandmother, then maybe you’re experiencing it. If you have children, then you probably got a little bit of that playfulness back when your kids were little. Running around on the playground, singing kids songs, sitting on the floor playing games. And kids are funny. They say and do funny things, they don’t censor ourselves. Which allows us to be goofy and to laugh. But while being a parent is fun, it’s also a lot of work, and you can lose yourself in it for a while. Which is why my mother-in-law says that being a grandma truly rocks. You get to experience all the joyous parts of being a parent, but you aren’t required do all the work or be tied down.
Anyway, if a second spring is what I have to look forward to, sign me up! But as lovely as that concept is, we shouldn’t have to wait to be post-menopause, or empty nesters, or retired, or grandmothers, in order to experience the energetic shift toward more joy and pleasure. We should aim to do this right now, wherever we are, whatever responsibilities we have, and whatever we’re going through.
Taking a break from our responsibilities to enjoy the little moments, the sensual side of life, is so important to our health and happiness. It’s a sign that we’re alive and part of this world and connected to all of it.
Some personality types are naturally better at approaching life this way. If you’ve ever taken the Enneagram test, you know the Enneagram theory that each person develops one of nine predominate personality types by adulthood, which helps them cope with the external environment. Number 7s have always fascinated me, because they turn to pleasure when life gets uncomfortable. They’re the bad boys of the enneagram, very spontaneous and risk-taking sometimes overly impulsive. Sometimes this gets them into trouble, but those lucky 7s do know how to have a good time. I happen to be a 3 with a 4 wing, which means I have a little more trouble getting off the hamster wheel and relaxing. So I’m a bit jealous of those crazy 7s. But maybe the first step is understanding your personality, what makes you tick, and what might be holding you back. If you have not taken the Enneagram test, it’s a fun and you should give it a try. There, step one you’re already having fun!
I think in midlife even the most spontaneous among us could use a little push toward pleasure. Maybe it’s human nature to not realize how much joy we’re pushing aside, until life throws us a curveball or we witness an event that shows us how fleeing and precious life really is. A few months ago I attended the funeral of a young person. He was only in his late 40s and had suffered from a debilitating illness for about two decades. Any any given time during those difficult years, my friend would have given anything to get up out of his wheel chair and head to the park and play baseball with his buddies. To go to a barbeque or pool party or Giants game and enjoy a cold beer in the sun. To hug his friends and embrace a lover and do all the things a healthy body can do.
Most of us have that luxury, but we’re starting to envision a time when we won’t. Maybe you’re already experiencing some aches and pains of middle age. Maybe your vision’s not so great. Maybe you’re slowing down a bit. If we’re lucky, old age is coming for us, and we might be limited in what we can do. But, you could also be like my mother-in-law who, at 94, is still doing most of the things she loves. And I believe it’s because throughout her life she has allowed herself to engage in activities she’s passionate about and to prioritize them.
The bottom line is, if you’re still on this earth, you have enormous capacity for joy and pleasure.
So how do we do it? How do we break those patterns we’ve gotten ourself stuck in, during adulthood, and get back to a place where we can let in more of the good stuff we crave, whether or not we fully realize it?
The first step might be allowing yourself to linger in pleasurable sensations. Start with stuff can set the tone for the rest of your day. For instance, don’t just jump out of bed. While you’re waking up, take a minute to feel the cool, soft sheets under your legs and the gentle breeze flowing through the curtains, and listen to the birds chirping outside your window. In the shower, enjoy the feel of the hot water on your back, or the smell of your favorite body wash on your skin. Don’t rush through your morning coffee; make a ritual out of it by savoring the smell of the freshly brewed beans and maybe going outside on the patio and to sip your latte while watching the sun rise.
Throughout your day, drop into your surroundings and savor the little things that bring you joy. And use all your senses. If you’re outside on lunch break, kick off your shoes and feel the warm grass under your bare feet, watch the dogs playing nearby in the park, and listen to the rustle of the trees swaying in the wind. In the evening, listen to the jingle of the ice cream truck that drives down your block – and maybe even grab a soft serve—because when’s the last time you allowed yourself that? When a song you love comes on the radio or Spotify playlist, hum along with it. Tune in to a child’s laugh that you hear outside your window, or stop whatever you’re doing to watch the sun setting over the horizon.
It’s also OK to cultivate your surroundings so that pleasure and play can emerge more easily. Turn on some disco music and have a dance party in the kitchen. Before rushing to make dinner, set up a little cocktail hour in the kitchen – maybe some lovely cheese and crackers, some fresh seasonal fruit and a glass of your favorite wine. And don’t kick back that pinot, but rather deeply inhale it before you taste. Instead of rushing through your beauty routine at night, take the time to apply the silky new face oil, brush your hair, and massage a delicious-smelling lotion into your skin. Maybe even take a hot bubble bath to ease those tired muscles. Put on your favorite cashmere sweater and notice how soft it is against your skin.
You can even find a way to relish boring tasks. For instance, put on your favorite playlist while you’re doing the dishes, folding laundry or deleting emails from your inbox. Or, if you must take someone out for a business lunch, choose somewhere with great food and atmosphere. If you’re tired of the same old work commute, take a scenic new path one morning, and maybe even discover a cute new restaurant or picnic spot along the way.
Another way to bring more joy into your life is to spend some time mulling over what brings you happiness and pleasure. An important part of steering your own happiness is reflecting on the things that make you come alive. Think back to what gave you joy in your younger years. Maybe you loved playing the drums. Or dancing. Or playing at the beach. Remember the feeling of abandon you had, as a child, when you slid down that water slide and dropped into the chlorine-scented water? Or the spontaneous joy you felt jamming with your high school band in the garage? Maybe it’s music that turns you on. Or sports. Or food. Or the outdoors. Dive into your memory bank and go back to the time you were happiest, and try to remember what you were doing at the time. Try to recall that carefree state in which the outcome wasn’t as important as what you were experiencing. And you want to figure out what activities, places, people and events do that for you now.
Then make it your goal to recapture some of that.
How do you do this? By prioritizing those activities. You may not be able to be a star track athlete at age 50, but you can probably run or hike to get a similar high. You may no longer have a shot at being a prima ballerina today, but there’s nothing stopping you from dancing. You get the picture.
It’s also important to weed out activities that suck the joy out of your life. Put limits on your screen time and social media scrolling. Dump joyless commitments that don’t spark joy.
And try not to succumb to your efficiency instinct. This is a big one for us women, and I’ll admit I’m super guilty of this.
Often, I find myself putting a lot of effort and stress into making my life less stressful and more l leisurely in the future. If that sounds crazy, think about this. At night, sometimes I’ll be running doing stuff like laundry and cleaning the kitchen, all for the purpose of waking up the following morning to an orderly house. Sometimes this makes sense, like if I am having company over the next day. But most times, all it’s doing for me is giving me more work upfront. I’m realizing late in life that a much better strategy is to focus on the enjoyable stuff along with the must-dos.
What does this mean? Don’t try to squeeze joyful activities into your busy days. Instead, fit your days around the joyful activities. Lately, I’ve been making sure to put one fun thing on my calendar each and every day – whether it’s a family event, date night with my husband, or lunch with a good friend. It can even be a hike or an outing to do something I love. But the point is, I schedule all the practical stuff around that fun activity, and I try to get my work, household chores and errands done before or after. That ensures that I’m making time for the stuff that brings me joy, the stuff that, at the end of the day, really matters.
A few other tips for cultivating more joy:
Studies also show that pleasurable activities that also give you a sense of purpose are even better for your long-term health and wellbeing. Like for my 94-year-old mother-in-law, her flower arranging is that activity. For you, it might be a volunteer job, or training for a marathon, or like my friend Inga working hard at yoga so she could finally do a handstand. For me it’s probably writing and a few other things. So find out what brings you joy and makes you get out of bed in the morning, and then you will have the secret formula.
Also, if you’re in a slump and not experiencing much joy these days, either because of life circumstances or because you’ve truly gotten out of touch with what you want, and if none of these strategies is working for you, then, you know what, just take a beat and instead of figuring out what you’d like to do, ask yourself where you’d like to be. If you don’t know that either, then just go anywhere new, even for a day. Sometimes changing up your environment is the best way to rediscover yourself; you know that famous quote that sometimes you need to get lost to find yourself? If that’s where you are right now, then get off the grid. Take a trip. Change your scenery. Hell, maybe it’s even time to move. New surroundings may offer you a fresh perspective and open you up to new possibilities and, yes, joy.
Finally, your relationships. We couldn’t do an episode on joy without talking about those. You already know this, but feeling joy is so much more difficult when your relationships are stagnant. If you’re in a romantic relationship, try to keep the fun alive. Don’t take one another for granted. Send playful texts to one another throughout the day. Don’t make date nights just about going out to dinner and then coming home to watch a movie; do something physical like tennis, dancing, or visiting an amusement park. The anthropologist Helen Fisher says the best way to keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship is to do thrilling activities together, like riding a roller coaster or doing a sport together. Your relationship needs joy to survive just as much as you do as an individual.
In terms of your friends and broader social network, make sure you’re surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people – not those who suck the joy out of you. The older I get, I realize I need to be among people I can laugh with. They absolutely need to have a sense of humor. And they need to be game for having fun. Yes, I want to talk to my friends about the serious things, and am hear when they need me when the shit goes down. But in those moments in between, I want to be near people who are trying as hard as they can to embrace life and all it has to offer.
One evening, during a girls night out, the group of us went from talking about a mutual friend’s illness to laughing about some ridiculous encounter one of us had on a vacation. We went from crying with one another to laughing like mad women. I mean, the kind of laughing where you can’t catch your breath and you’re clutching your stomach because your muscles hurt, and suddenly someone knocks over a glass of wine. That’s all we can ask for in this lifetime, ladies. To connect and laugh with some good people, some fellow humans who truly get us. That’s all there is.
If you’re not feeling it, you can also fake it til you make it. Science suggests that a full, genuine grin—one that involves facial muscles around the eyes—sparks a change in brain activity related to a good mood.
One more thing I will say is that there will be setbacks on your quest for more joy. There will be times when you feel that joy and pleasure are once again out of reach. Times when reality kicks in and something will come into your life that will seemingly limit your capacity for pleasure. Maybe a health diagnosis, or the loss of a loved one, or a life problem that seems unsurmountable. But you will get through those times and find happiness again after the dust settles. Last year I realized that despite my best efforts my genetics were creeping me toward being prediabetic. My diet was already so strict, so I wondered if I now would be able to eat or drink anything I wanted, ever. You know what my doctor told me? To relax. To do everything in moderation. To enjoy my life. That was the best prescription ever. Which reminded me of something my grandma, who thank goodness refused to buy any of those so-called sugar-free foods, back in the 90s. If you’re gonna eat a cupcake once in a while, don’t eat a shitty diet cupcake. Eat the best damn cupcake you can get your hands on. And savor it. And you know what, she was absolutely right. I miss my grandma.
A couple months ago we had these freaky on-and-off sun showers here in San Francisco. The sun had broken through for a while, so I went outside for a run. But no sooner did I get halfway through it started raining. I was about to make a beeline home but then I remembered that day my sister and I got caught in the thunderstorm. So guess? No, I did not turn around. I stayed out in the rain and kept running. I felt the water soak through my running clothes and knew my hair was getting wet and frizzy, but I decided I didn’t care. I enjoyed that run, because it made me feel alive, like a kid again. OK, and once in a while I looked down at the pavement to make sure I had enough traction under my shoes so I wouldn’t slip – after all, I am 55, people – but I was proud of myself for putting pleasure over practicality.
I’m working on it, and I hope you are too.
