The following is a transcript of this episode. It may have been slightly edited for clarity.
Teaser: Do you sometimes feel like you bought a ticket to the midlife shit show? If so, trust me, you’re not alone. In my first solo episode ever, I’m gonna reflect on why so many of us are feeling out of sorts right now. I’m also drawing on my past 60 podcast interviews to offer you some real strategies, some steps you can take to spin that midlife shit show into some midlife magic. And you know I’m coming from a place of love, compassion and experience, ladies, so please stick around.
Welcome to More Beautiful, the podcast for women rewriting the midlife playbook. I’m your host, Maryann LoRusso, and I invite you to join me and a guest each week as we strive for a life that’s more adventurous, more fulfilling, and more beautiful than ever before.
Maryann: Hello and welcome to my first solo episode. I love interviewing people, but I finally decided that I had something to say on my own. And this topic of this episode was inspired by some recent conversations I’ve had with people in my life whom I adore. The first one was a phone call I had with a smart, charming woman in her early 50s who’s also doing work in the midlife space. We met on social media and decided to zoom. We had a great chat, and toward the end of it she said, I have to confess something. I’m not sure anymore that I’m cut out for this work. I’m not sure that I can continue helping other women when I can’t get my act together. She said, I’m a mess, Maryann. I’m not sleeping, I’m totally hormonal. Both of my parents need caregiving, one of my teenagers has been getting into trouble, and I’m thinking maybe I should retire or take a break, even though I love what I do.
A couple days later, I was talking on the phone with a friend in her early 50s who told me that she is having health issues, that she’s getting some medical tests done, and that she might have to go on meds. This is a woman who’s always taken care of herself. Eats well, meditates, does yoga. And now, just one year post menopause, she’s worried about her health and quality of life.
Then, last week I met a good friend for dinner. She’s also around 50. And the kind of person who’s always put together, always punctual, always cheerful and bubbly when you see her. So you can imagine how surprised I was when she showed up 20 minutes late, looking disheveled and distracted. She apologized for being late, told me she’d been stuck in traffic and couldn’t find parking. But when she sat down, I could see that she was also in the middle of a full-blown hot flash. Sweat was just streaming down her face, and she had to wipe herself with a bunch of napkins and drink a 12-ounce glass of water before she was relaxed enough to engage in conversation.
And, final anecdote, I was at lunch with another friend—you can guess approximately how old she is–who said that she’s been feeling edgy lately, like she wants to jump out of her skin. This is another woman who always seemed to be gliding through life and taking things with a grain of salt. But now, she said, she’s a bundle of nerves. Besides being smack in the middle of perimenopause, she’s just about to become an empty-nester, she feels like she might be facing age discrimination at work, her mom was recently diagnosed with cancer…and she can’t sleep.
Good times, right?
I know that I’m out here every day saying that this is not your mama’s midlife, that this is the sweet spot when you have so much to look forward to. And I still believe all that. But part of the reason this isn’t our mama’s midlife is that we are doing something that our moms never did….We’re talking about this stuff. Not only are we talking about once-taboo subjects like menopause, but we are being vulnerable with one another about ALL the shit that’s going down. And there is a lot.
It’s the midlife shit show.
For those of you who listen regularly to the podcast or follow me on Instagram, you know that I’m open about all that stuff. If you asked me five years ago if I’d be telling the world about my menopause experience, or my family health history, I’d say you were out of your mind. But here I am. And you know what, it hasn’t killed me yet. In fact, I think it’s my responsibility to be open about it all. We can’t keep all this stuff in the dark, like our mother and grandmothers did. We need to support one another, and that includes being honest and open.
I also think that before we can get to that sweet spot—the spot where we’re feeling good, living life on our terms, and using our time to do what we were put on this planet to do—we need to acknowledge that midlife can be messy. It’s particularly messy for many of us because we are the sandwich generation, dealing with both teenagers and aging parents, simultaneously. At the same time we’re grappling with menopause and our personal baggage and career uncertainty and sometimes even a health-and-fitness landscape that seems to change overnight.
The prevailing question that my girlfriends and I seem to linger on is: How is it that one minute you’re feeling on top of the world, both physically and mentally, and the next minute you can no longer zip up your favorite dress and you’re sitting in a restaurant wiping your drenched face with a paper napkin? Right?! You also might be wondering when you became the old person in the office, when sex started to become painful. Or when you stopped wanting sex and craving a mid-day nap instead.
I’m sure you and friends are talking a lot about these issues too. That you laugh and cry and complain to one another. And that you share valuable information and solutions for the stuff you’re going through. I was at a dinner party last week, a very sophisticated affair, and a lovely writer I know said to me, OK, let’s talk hormones. I cannot imagine my mother having that conversation with anyone at a party when she was my age. I’ve also had the privilege of having deep and meaningful conversations with more than 60 podcast guests, so far. I’ve talked to these midlife experts about everything from menopause and wellness, to relationships and lifestyle, and I’ve picked up more pearls of wisdom than I ever thought I’d get about navigating this complicated life stage.
I’m sure you’ve been tapping into this wisdom by listening to the podcast and reading my newsletter and blog. And, by the way, ladies, we’re just getting started, because there’s so much more good stuff to come. But right now I want to share some of these takeaways, some of the stuff I’ve learned about surviving this midlife shit show, both from my own magnificent community of women, and from all my incredible podcast guests. If you are finding yourself lost, confused, stuck, annoyed, overwhelmed, anxious…or if you’re feeling, like my friend was, just a vague sense of dread, here are some steps you can take to feel better. In fact, even if you’re feeling OK, these steps will keep you on track. Because you deserve to feel like the best possible version of yourself. In midlife and always.
First….No matter where you are right now, please just take a moment, OK? to congratulate yourself on making it through the first half-century or so of your life. Even if you aren’t where you want to be or don’t feel the way you want to be feeling, be proud that you have gotten this far. Be grateful that you’re still alive, and count every single one of the blessings in your life. I find that having a gratitude practice is so important, but especially in midlife when it’s so easy to focus on the negative stuff because it’s right there in our face. Also, look back and acknowledge all the obstacles you’ve had to overcome during your entire lifetime, all the goals you’ve achieved, all the stuff you’ve accomplished during that first half-century or so. Write it all down if you have to. But let it sink in, and use this historical knowledge to be certain that whatever is going on right now, whatever will happen down the road, you got this. If things aren’t going well, take some time to cry or scream or vent to a friend. But after you’ve let it out, realize that you can handle anything that comes your way. It may not be easy. It may be frightening, and at times you will absolutely doubt yourself. But you CAN handle it. Because look at all the crap you’ve handled already. And you will find a way to get back to yourself. I promise.
Second, release those expectations you had about what you thought midlife was supposed to look like, where you thought you would/should/needed to be by now. And that goes for EVERYTHING, from relationship status to financial status. Our generation was told that by midlife, we were supposed to have the perfect marriage, the perfect house, the perfect kids, the perfect career. We now know that all of that was bull shit. We each have our own unique path, some more windy and meandering than others, and even those of us who took the traditional path have realized that nothing’s promised, there are no guarantees, and that career paths and bank accounts and hearts can change. Life is short, and it’s also long. There are no time stamps, no expiration dates, no right or wrong turns. One thing we discover as we get older is nuance. Gray areas that demand exploration. We learn that mistakes are growth opportunities, regret is a colossal waste of time, and it’s never too late to make things right. Know that there is still time to get on the path you were truly meant to be on…so give yourself permission to pivot. If there’s something about your life that doesn’t see right, that’s not reflecting who you are or doesn’t feel authentic, you reserve the right to change it. Take a sharp U-turn if you have to. And be patient with yourself as you figure it all out. Even if you’re a mom. Even if you’re a caregiver. Especially if you’re a caregiver. Like the flight attendants tell you, put your oxygen mask on first, or you’ll be no good to everybody else.
Number three: Stay on top of your health. OK, I’ll admit this one of the bummers of being in midlife—we are entering a whole new ballpark when it comes to our health and fitness, but we knew that, right? But please, keep those annual doctor’s appointments, get that annual bloodwork. Schedule those annoying new things we now have on our medical checklists: the colonoscopies and shingles shots and mammograms…all that fun stuff. My theory is that it’s better to be a little nerve-wracked about a test, then to find out too late that you have a condition. You wanna know what runs in my family? Heart disease, cancer, Alzheimer’s and diabetes. So you can imagine all the tests I get every year. I’m going for a calcium heart scan next week and I’m bracing myself for some placque sightings, but you know what, I’d rather know about it now, when I don’t have any symptoms, and then do what I gotta do for prevention, rather than getting a heart attack and dying young like my father did. And, finally regarding all those lovely hormonal symptoms, which sometimes get confused with symptoms of other conditions: Visit the website of the North American Menopause Society for information. Talk to a doctor who understands menopause, who stays up-to-date on symptoms, who’s open minded about HRT and other treatments. Find out about alternative treatments like acupuncture. Experiment and see what works for you. And I will say that getting the help you need applies not just to your physical health, but your mental health, so find a great therapist is your anxiety is out of control. There is absolutely no need to suffer in silence, and you cannot get to the good stuff in midlife without addressing the health stuff first.
Number four goes hand in hand with the medical stuff: Nourish your body. Eat whole foods, more vegetables, fiber and protein. Exercise as many days of the week as you can, and add strength training to your fitness routine if you’re not doing that already. If you’ve hit a fitness plateau, read my story, How to Work Out in Midlife, at Morebeautifulproject.com. Do everything in your power to get more quality sleep. You know these things already, and you’ve heard all the experts on the podcast go into detail about them, but I understand, it is SO easy to let life and busy schedules get in the way. I let my fitness routine slip this past week because my calendar was jam-packed. But you need to prioritize yourself. No one else is gonna do it for you. And again, nothing in your life is going to feel aligned if you don’t feel your best physically.
OK, I think this fifth pillar is so important at our age: Surround yourself with the right people and ask them for help if you need it. I’m not gonna mince words here. Those flaky, unreliable friends who sap your energy? Ditch them now. We are not 20 anymore and looking for someone to go to a frat party with. This is real life. In midlife and beyond, we need a community of solid, dependable, warm and loving people. One of my girlfriends just asked me if I’d pick her up from her colonoscopy—talk about redefining friendship in midlife, right? This is what you need now, ladies. When the shit’s going down, you need someone to come over with a bottle of wine and just listen. When you need to fly across the country to take care of your mom, you need someone to take care of your dog and water your plants. If you get laid off from a job, or get into a fight with your significant other, or receive a scary heath diagnosis, you need someone to come over and let you cry on their shoulder. You need that friend. Or two of three of those friends. And you need to be that friend to other women.
Also, it helps to seek out people who are positive. People’s whose values reflect yours. People who accept and love you for who you are. And people with whom you can LAUGH. I cannot overestimate the importance of humor in midlife. Because if you can’t laugh about hot flashes and having to get up and pee three times a night, what can you laugh about, right? These days I appreciate nothing more than having a good belly laugh with my friends. And I have no more tolerance for relationships with people I can’t be 100 percent myself with. I’ve eliminated from my life anyone who doesn’t encourage me, support me, and have my back. So, ladies, befriend other women who are open enough to talk and joke about all this stuff with you. Women who want you to feel good and reach your full potential. Women with whom you can reveal the deepest parts of yourself and never feel judged. Ask yourself, is any other kind of friendship that’s worth your time, at this point in life? And if you happen to find the kind of friend who stays after everyone else has left the dinner party, so she can help you clean up the kitchen, cherish her forever.
Number six: Have some kind of spiritual practice. I have an episode about this coming up, but essentially this is not about religion, but about getting centered and connecting with something out there that is deeper than yourself. One way is to meditate—and there are many ways to do that; I took a course in transcendental meditation, which I like because it doesn’t require me to sit on the floor and suppress my thoughts. If you don’t want to meditate the traditional way, go for a walk in nature. Do yoga. Get lost in a creative activity you love. Engage in breathwork when you feel like stress is coming at you from every direction. Even just taking a few minutes alone in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and getting lost in your thoughts, can be spiritually renewing. You can also be like Jennifer Lopez and Michelle Obama and recite a mantra every morning. If you don’t know where to start, I wrote a story about this in which I suggest a couple dozen midlife mantras. But here’s one example of something you can say to yourself regularly if you have a career goal you want to achieve (but you can swap it for love, or security, or whatever you’re striving for): “I am connected to my body and breath. I am strong and anchored to the infinite source of magic, both within me and out in the universe. If I ask the universe for success, work hard, visualize it and trust in the universe, I will attain success as I define it.” And there’s something about the repetition, but the words just become ingrained in you after days and weeks of doing this, so that these words start to become your reality. I know it sounds woo-woo, but I actually think it works.
Finally, number seven: Surround yourself with beauty and sensory experiences. OK, so my sun sign is Aries, but my moon is in Taurus, which means that if my house is out of order, I cannot function. But I think it’s important for all of us to feel like we have a home base that reflects who we are, and brings out the best in us, and helps our creativity flourish. If you’re an introvert, this might be really important, because that alone time at home is how you recharge your batteries. So, the goal here is to make your space a place where that midlife magic can start to emerge. It doesn’t mean expensive furnishings or elaborate decorating. It just means awakening your senses with the little pleasures in life. For instance, make it a habit to put on some great music while you’re working or making dinner, and let it inspire you, to dance, sing or just relax. Bring some of your favorite flowers home so the smell permeates your home. At dinner, take the time to light a candle, again, put on the music, and take out the good plates and the precious glassware and the linen napkins—even if you’re eating alone. If you’re not gonna use the “good stuff” in midlife, then when are you gonna use it? Don’t eat standing up in the kitchen. Sit down and savor each bite. Enjoy all those little sensory moments as they come: Take a warm bath at night. Sit outside on the porch on a beautiful day and feel the warm sun on your arms. If you’re lucky enough to live by the ocean, walk to it and feel the ocean breezes on your skin. Go outside at night and look up at the stars. Life is short, ladies, and there’s so much beauty that we’re often too busy to appreciate. Let’s start appreciating again, OK?
So, ladies, I’ll end this episode by saying that I’m probably feeling everything you’re feeling in midlife. My journey is uncertain, and I’m worried about things, and I’m frustrated by all the changes happening to my body, and I’m sad because my mother doesn’t remember me, and I’m wondering what my second act will look like. And I think that’s part of the reason I embarked on this project. But I truly feel like we are strong enough to handle whatever comes out way. That any difficulties we’re going through will only reinforce what really matters. And that no matter what our circumstances are, we can find peace and creativity and joy and laughter and connection, and that we will appreciate it more than we did at previous stages of life. So let’s take all that wisdom and experience we’ve accumulated, and use it to create a life that truly aligns with who we are. Let’s turn that midlife shit show into some midlife magic. I know we can do it.
