The following is a transcript of this episode.
Have you ever been in a dark place? That’s not too unusual, especially in midlife. But I’ll bet your first instinct is to try to snap out of it, as quickly as possible, so you can be there for the people in your life. Or present a rosy picture to the world. Well, on this episode I’m gonna make a case for allowing yourself to feel crappy, at least once in a while. I’m gonna tell you why you’re not alone in feeling crappy. And then, yes, I’m gonna talk about some ways you can snap out of it — or at least, share some tips that work for me — and be on your way to living the midlife you deserve.
Welcome to More Beautiful, the podcast for women rewriting the midlife playbook. I’m your host, Maryann LoRusso, and I invite you to join me and my fabulous guests as we strive for a life that’s more joyous, more fulfilling and more beautiful than ever before.
Do you ever find yourself in a dark place? Just feeling awful and having a tough time snapping out of it? That was me a few months ago.
Our beloved family dog was dying. My youngest child was about to graduate from high school, making me a soon-to-be empty nester. My mom, who was in the memory care ward with late-stage Alzheimer’s, no longer remembered who I was and had lost the ability to even pick up the phone when I called. Another family member had just been diagnosed with an awful disease. I was now post-menopause and the weight was starting to creep on, even though I was doing all the things. And to top things off, the rain was just coming down relentlessly, day after day, here in San Francisco. One day I was trying to get dressed for an event, but I couldn’t find a pair of pants that didn’t feel tight. I had a lot of personal stuff going on, and the thought that I had no parents I could call up and talk to made me so sad. I was looking at my blind, suffering dog who was whining on the floor and suddenly it was all just too much.
Around that same time, I found myself worrying more than I used to, about various things. If you listened to my episode with psychologist Lori Davis about midlife anxiety, you know that for many of us, anxiety levels peak during this life stage. We find ourselves worrying about the future holds, and how, thanks to aging, our lives may change over the next few decades. We may even start to get stressed out doing routine stuff we never used to think twice about, such as driving on the highway.
I’ve always been a generally positive person who could dig herself out of a slump. Thankfully, I’d never suffered from mental illness, or experienced severe trauma. My parents weren’t perfect and my childhood wasn’t perfect, but somewhere along the line I had learned how to take care of myself and to self-regulate. So, like you probably have, I developed go-to strategies to make myself feel better when I was in a negative mood. For instance, I would go for a run, or talk to a good friend. Or I would think about something to look forward to, like an event or a trip or planning an activity I loved. But there was something different this time. Nothing in my bag of tricks was working and I felt like I slipping into a dark place.
And boy, did I feel like a hypocrite. Here I am, telling all of you that midlife can be the most wonderful time of life, and I’m not enjoying it one bit. Which made me resent being on social media. It made me feel like a fraud because if I wasn’t living my own best midlife, how could I help you live yours? I’m ashamed to admit this, but while I was thinking about everything bad that was happening, and then thinking about how much worse it could possibly get, I actually said to a friend, it’s never gonna get any better than this.
I know.
Like many women, I tried to keep those feelings buried, like most of us do, so that I wouldn’t be a downer to the people around me. Because we don’t think it’s acceptable for society to see us depressed. We put on our game face and present ourselves as Little Miss Sunshine in public. It’s like that Liz Taylor quote: “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together.”
The problem is, suppressing your feelings just causes the opposite effect. The feelings end up coming out sooner or later, but in insidious ways. You have a nightmare. You snap at someone you love. You yell at someone while driving.
That day, I really didn’t feel like pretending. Maybe it was finally being at an age where I’m OK with all the sides of me, I don’t know. But I thought to myself, what’s wrong with being in a dark place, just for a little while? What if I sat with these thoughts for a bit, let myself feel them so I can process and break it down before I move on? As a culture, we’re always trying to numb our feelings. Take a pill to feel better. Have a drink. Turn on the TV and watch a mindless show. But all of those things are just Bandaids, and somewhere along the line we’ve forgotten that feeling bad from time to time is a natural part of the ebb and flow our moods and our lives. It’s part of being human. And most of the time, it’s only temporary.
So I really tried to tune in and listen to my body. For years I dished that advice out to my kids, but I’m not sure I actually practiced it on myself. I tried to teach my children to recognize when their bodies were trying to tell them something, to figure out what they needed. When my son was very young he used to get temper tantrums when he was hungry. But he would never ask for food, he’d just fall apart over something random, like not getting another turn on the blue swing. You’re hungry, I’d tell him, so let’s get something to eat. No, no, no, he’d yell. But then I’d give him a snack and he’d immediately go back to being Mr. Smiley.
We need to tap into that kind of mind-body awareness in ourselves, ladies. When we’re tired, we need a nap or to get back into a proper sleep schedule. When we are feeling out of sorts, we need the right kind of nourishment, not junk food. When we’re feeling stressed, we need all of that and more.
Now, listening to my own body, I realized I was mentally exhausted. Running around, cleaning the house, doing errands, or whatever I used to do to block those negative feelings, wasn’t going to cut it this time. My body now needed me to slow down. To make getting a good night’s sleep a priority. To go on long walks, to process everything that was going on. To reset my schedule so I had more alone time, and well as time with the people who most mattered to me. To take time to nourish myself properly, even on my busiest days when it was tempting to just eat lunch standing up in the kitchen. And to be mindful of how I spent my time, which meant cutting out social media for a while. I also needed some more self-compassion. Because the stuff I was going through, just like the stuff you’re going through, is hard.
I even realized that I needed a good cry now and then. So when those feelings overcame me, I allowed myself to succumb to them. And is was truly cathartic.
Sometimes you’ve just got to allow yourself to feel lousy. It can be the best way to get to the heart of what you need. Midlife can be hard. Maybe your job isn’t fulfilling you, or you’re worried about being laid off. Maybe a relationship is stressing you out. Maybe, like me, you’re experiencing a lot of loss all around you. Maybe you’re going through a health crisis or menopause is beating you up. Or maybe you’re feeling lonely or isolated. Remind yourself that life, especially midlife, isn’t always easy. Remind yourself that even a strong and resourceful woman like yourself is allowed to feel crappy. After all, you’re human, right?
Once you acknowledge that you’re not alone in all this…Once you’ve given yourself permission to feel all the big feelings, only then can you go to work to get into a better place. Here are some strategies I’ve used to help myself get out of a dark place.
- Go easy on yourself. When emotions or circumstances feel overwhelming, it’s important to be able to calm yourself and get yourself back to positive state of mind. And that starts with going easy on yourself and giving yourself time to recalibrate. We all need moments of truly doing nothing. We need time during which our minds can be still and we can check in with how we’re truly feeling, away from distractions. I think there is a little Buddhist story that goes something like this: A practitioner asks a monk for how long a day he should meditate. The monk says “I think that maybe 20 minutes is a good place to start.” The practitioner then asks: “But what if I have no time?!” The monk laughs and says: “Then you should meditate for an hour.” The bottom line is that when we think we have absolutely no time to rest is when we need it the most. So give yourself a break, OK?
- Get moving. It may feel contradictory to say this right after talking about rest, but that our bodies need both: The stillness and the stimulation. When you’re in a funk it’s important not become stagnant in your body. You need to move, whether this means going on a short hike or working out with weights. Exercise can make a tremendous difference in your mood, which you know if you are already an active person. By connecting with our bodies, we don’t only get a rush of mood-enhancing hormones, we process feelings and memories stored in the body. When you move, your body signals to your brain that everything is OK. Moving your body really can brighten your day and, over time, cause powerful shifts in the way you carry yourself through life. If you can exercise outdoors, that’s even more beneficial, because nature has the power to heal. Breathing that fresh air and soaking up the peace and quiet can help you rest your mind and feel more alive, relaxed and happy.
- Put down your devices. I’m not talking about the time you’re productively engaged in an activity, like chatting with a friend on your phone, or working on your laptop. I’m talking about excessive screen time where you’re turning to your phone or ipad every time a dark feeling crops up. All that time you might be spending, mindlessly scrolling away. That type of unproductive screen time has been linked with an increased likelihood of mental health problems like depression and anxiety. Now don’t get me wrong, I love watching a good show or movie to relax. But if you’re consistently turning to your devices to distract yourself from emotions you don’t want to feel, or to procrastinate from doing something you should be doing, out of fear or uncertainty, you need to take a good look at how much time you’re spending online or streaming mindless content. Social media will not put you in a better mood. Binging four seasons of a dumb sitcom will not turn your life around. In fact, turning to these types of distractions over and over again will probably make you feel worse in the long run. We tell our kids this, but now it’s time to practice what we preach: Limit your screen time and take a break from your devices now and then.
- Seek social support. It’s vital to feel connected to other humans, especially when we’re struggling. We need to feel supported and loved when we’re going through tough times. But ironically, when we are in a dark place, the tendency is often to isolate. Or to fall for thoughts like, no one cares or nobody wants to help. But your thoughts are not the truth. If you want to feel better, reach out and speak up. This can be hard to do if you’re self-reliant like I am. But I can’t emphasize enough the importance of connecting with the people around you when you’re feeling awful. Chronic loneliness literally kills people—it’s one of the factors that most affects our mental as well as physical health. If you have a good friend you can talk to, be honest with them and tell them you’re struggling. Being vulnerable isn’t always easy, but I think we get better at it, the older we get. Because the older we get, we understand that everyone is wrestling with something. So pick up the phone and call a good friend to talk it all out with. Or, better yet, meet for a long walk. I promise, it will make you closer to that person, and chances are they’ve been feeling crappy about something too. And if you don’t have someone you can turn to, perhaps a therapist can temporarily fill that role for you and help to get you feeling more connected. And we’ll talk more about that in a minute.
- Learn to Breathe the Right Way. Breath is our anchor to the here and now – it can bring us back from an anxiety attack to the present moment. Your breath is always there. It’s the one thing you can always hold onto. But it’s not just a tool to become aware of the present moment, it also regulates our entire system. If you don’t breathe or breathe too much (that is, you hyperventilate), you panic. But learning to control your breath empowers you to calm yourself down. People who struggle with their mental health often breathe too shallowly – they live in a constant state of stress and fear. Our body and brain need deep belly breaths to understand they’re safe. Our exhales play such an important role – if they are long and calm, we reassure ourselves that we’re okay. And it’s possible to cultivate more and more awareness of how you breathe. A great place to start learning this is to practice meditation or yoga, as both require you to focus on your breath and to breathe deep into your belly.
- Seek therapy if necessary. If you need someone to talk to, reaching out to a friend is a great place to start. But if you can’t seem to pull yourself out of your funk, or if your dark thoughts are reaching a new threshold, please reach out to a professional. I know that some of you still think there’s a stigma attached with therapy, or that your problems aren’t big enough to justify getting professional help. But it’s not only OK, it’s extremely important to ask for help when you need it. Because you can’t always work out issues on your own. Your friend can’t always be available at the drop of a hat. A good therapist can help you work through your issues and gain insight into how you can move forward. Ask your healthcare provider for a referral or search for one online, either way is great. And I’ll put some resources in the show notes. Whatever you do, please don’t suffer alone. You deserve to get the support you need.
- Take small, actionable steps. When you’re in a dark place, you may feel like you can’t contribute to this world in a positive way, so the instinct is to retreat. But most likely, there is something you can do to help yourself get back to a better place. There is some action, some positive step you can take to slowly emerge from your funk and focus on something other than your problems and anxieties. Sign up to volunteer for a food bank. Offer to tutor a student. Pick up some meals for an elderly person. Focusing on where you can help others is a great way to turn your situation around, bit by bit. If you’re already a caregiver to a parent or some other person, you may not have the bandwidth to help more people and you probably need to focus those action steps on yourself. Even if you’re not a caregiver, taking time to do something meaningful for yourself is always a good idea. Read a book or attend a lecture that gives you hope. Seek out a support group of people going through what you’re going through. Take a dance class or art lessons that help you live in the moment and experience more joy. And incidentally, a recorded an entire episode on how you can experience more joy, so be sure to listen to that discussion as well. But basically, these little steps can help to give you a sense of agency that can help you feel more in control of your life and realize that you can make it through this hard time and see brighter days in the future.
- Have self-compassion. Remind yourself this what you’re going through is perfectly natural and comes with the territory of being human. Remind yourself that this will pass, or you will learn to adapt and adjust. That you have the strength and fortitude to laugh and enjoy life again. And you know what, soon enough you will.
A couple months after I experienced this deep funk, my dog passed away. Part of me was relieved that she was no longer suffering. The bigger part of me missed her terribly and was in mourning. Less than 48 hours after she died, I showed up at the UPS store to return something, and I had bags under my eyes from crying. I messed up the labels on my packages and I apologized to this sales clerk who’s worked there forever. This was a woman who never looked very friendly or even smiled at me in the 10 years I’d been going there, yet she saw something relatable in me that day, with my uncombed hair and puffy eyes. She asked what was wrong and I told her, and then her face softened and she said she had lost a dog recently too. It’s so hard she said, and she was so sorry. And we had this real moment of connection that we probably would never have had otherwise.
A few hour later I was on the phone with someone and I found myself laughing, for the first time in a while, and then I felt guilty for not being sad about my dog. I had to remind myself that it was OK. We can be juggling multiple feelings simultaneously.
And that’s this stage of life, right? Midlife has so many moving parts. It is, in some ways, the best time of life. But it’s also filled with a lot of not-so-great stuff. One thing I’ve learned is that midlife can be two things at once. Any time of life can be.
But I feel like once in a while, whether spurred by a melancholy tune on the radio, or a sad movie, I now allow myself to linger in the darkness for just a little while. To give myself permission to be sad or to mourn the losses. I know that eventually I’ll call a friend, go for a run, or channel my emotions into my writing. But first, I take the time to feel it. Because there’s beauty in all of it—the good and the bad. Because I know the only way to get past a feeling is to go through it. And because I’m human. And so are you.
