Hey midlife ladies, do you support other women? I mean, really support other women in everything you do, say and think? On the flip side, do YOU feel supported by other females? Have you ever felt judged, or caught yourself being judgmental toward another woman? Today I’m going there, ladies, yes I am. Because women supporting women is sometimes more complex than we realize. Because there’s a lot of psychology going on beneath the surface. Because cultural norms and old habits die hard. And because last I checked, women are not yet running the world, so obviously we still have work to do…So, together let’s take an honest look at how we’re actually showing up for one another, and how we can do better supporting one another up in midlife and beyond.
Welcome to More Beautiful, the podcast for women rewriting the midlife playbook. I’m Maryann LoRusso, your host. I invite you to join me and a guest each week as we strive for a life that’s more joyful, more fulfilling and more beautiful than ever before.
A few weeks ago, I got a call from a nice woman who works in the midlife space. We talked about a few things and then she told me that she left a review for the More Beautiful Podcast. I thanked her and asked her if I could do anything in return and she said, “You don’t need to thank me. I left the review because you’re putting in the work. You’re working really hard, Maryann, and it shows. I thought you should know that.”
Well, can I just say that knocked my socks off. Not only because this was a kind and generous thing to say. But because it was one of those rare examples of a woman wholeheartedly supporting another woman for the sole purpose of acknowledging her and lifting her up, and not wanting anything in return. It really touched my heart, and it made me want to pay it forward. Which I did, because a couple days later I texted a colleague who I also thought was working hard and doing a great job, and I really wanted her to know it.
Anyway, the fact that this kind of support is still surprising to me is, well, a little surprising. Because I know so many great women. And all of them SAY they support other women. And almost all of them say that they’re, for the most part, supported by other women. And in midlife, as life gets more complicated, it really does feel like we’re getting better at rallying around one another and doing a better job of encouraging and being there for one another.
But if you really think about it, we can do better. The other day I was reading a social media post by a journalist who was talking from her living room. In the background, her house looked lovely and she was dressed up. Her message was really important and intelligent and supportive of other females. Yet some of the comments from women were horrific. Some judged that her clothes looked too expensive and said she must be materialistic and selfish. Others commented on her face, questioning whether she had plastic surgery. Many disregarded the whole point of her message and focused on how she appeared. It was the middle-aged version of high school.
And let’s not overlook the stuff that still happens in real life. I keep thinking, this is the year that women in my age group will stop gossiping. But then, bam, I overhearing someone spreading gossip at a party. Or someone excludes someone who I know will be really hurt by that. Or someone writes someone off not because of something they’ve done, but out of jealousy or spite.
Listen, I know. I’m not perfect. Life can be hard, and sometimes we just need to vent when someone does us wrong. I know that when someone treats me unkindly, I need to talk about it with my best friend. Because that’s how we process. But when feeling hurt or left out or envious translates into making uninformed judgements about them ….that just hurts all of us, ladies. It backfires on us. It’s misogynistic.
Have you ever heard a man say, “Dude, that guy’s horrible, did you see how much expensive audio equipment he has? Do you know how much his sneakers cost?” or, “What a superficial jerk – I think he got a hair transplant.” I don’t think men do this to one another, they tend to admire and celebrate other men – at least those who aren’t actually jerks — for their successes and accomplishments. And they share information. I think we’re more likely to hear, “Who did your hair transplant?” Am I right?
I think a lot of this woman-on-woman judgment is cultural. For too long, a narrative of competition and comparison has dominated the landscape of women’s relationships. We’ve been pitted against each other in workplaces, social circles, and even within families. But this narrative is not only untrue, it’s deeply damaging.
The bottom line is this: We are never, ever gonna rule the world if we keep judging one another, making assumptions, and being apathetic to one another’s struggles. We can’t solve all the real issues of this world–and as you know, there are plenty–if we can’t stop beating up on one another….
How do we focus on being allies rather than adversaries? This journey begins with a simple yet powerful act: challenging your own internal critic. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our perceived shortcomings to others’ successes. But remember, comparison is the thief of joy. Ever hear the quote, “Comparison is an act of violence against the self?” It truly is. It’s a recipe for unhappiness. Instead of envying others, celebrate their successes and focus on nurturing your own journey. And if you help other women along the way, you’ll be the stronger for it.
Here are some other things we can all do to put this sisterhood into action…for real.
- Be a cheerleader for other women. Did your BFF finally plan that trip to Italy she’s been dreaming of? Throw her a virtual “arrivederci” party. Did your friend and colleague land a seat on an prestigious conference panel? Take her out to lunch to say, I’m so proud of you. Remember, celebrating others’ victories is not a threat, but a testament to the collective strength of our sisterhood.
- Remember, your squad needs you, even when you’re feeling like a hot mess. Offer to help with errands, share a bottle of wine and bad reality TV, or simply be a listening ear. Is someone you know going through chemo? Bring over a meal, even if you’re not a great cook. Remember, sometimes the best support is just showing up, even if it’s in your pajamas and with last night’s mascara clinging for dear life. For God’s sake, just show up.
- Be a human shield against societal BS. Witness a woman being mistreated? Channel your inner Wonder Woman and deflect the negativity. Speak up for what’s right, even if it means stepping outside your comfort zone. Remember, a united front is a powerful front.
- Share your knowledge and expertise. Did you create an amazing fitness routine to keep you energized? Share it with your friends! Did you read an incredible book about menopause? Spread the word! Did you master the art of navigating online dating in your 50s? Write a blog post! Your experiences can be a valuable resource for other women on their journeys.
- Celebrate the diversity of our experiences. We all come from different backgrounds, have faced different challenges, and have chosen different paths…and that’s what makes us so interesting. Celebrate each other’s unique stories and perspectives, and remember, there’s no single “right” way to be a woman.
- Tackle conflict head on. Disagreements are inevitable, even among friends. But before resorting to gossip or spreading negativity, remember the power of honest and open communication. Talk to your friend directly about what’s bothering you, choosing empathy and understanding over judgment. I once had an argument with a friend and she got all upset that we were arguing and said, “Are we having a fight?” And I was like, “I think we are. But that’s OK, we’ll get through it.” And then we both laughed.
I’m gonna go a little deeper on this one, because I truly believe that disagreeing with another woman doesn’t mean your relationship needs to go up in flames. We were conditioned to think we had to be nice all the time, to agree with everyone and to fall in line. But I don’t think a friendship is truly cemented until you’re able to be who you are within that friendship, to express yourself authentically and yes, to get into conflict now and then. I actually think the test of a friendship comes when you survive your first argument and realize that it’s OK to disagree. A good friend can survive this stuff with you, and your friendship will come out stronger on the other side, with even more trust and respect between you. And ladies, it BEATS talking about someone behind their back, which is never a good idea.
I think there are some other ways we can strengthen our relationships with other women.
At work and in business, here are some things you can do:
Become a mentor to other women. Share your career journey and offer guidance to younger women in your field. Cross-generational relationships are so important and teach us so much.
Connect your sisters within your network. Introduce them to relevant professionals or recommend them for job openings they might be a good fit for.
Advocate for other women. If you see them being overlooked in meetings or passed up for promotions, speak up about their contributions and value. Don’t stay quiet.
Organize networking events for women in your industry. This creates a safe space for connection and professional development.
Finally…and this one is unfortunately so often overlooked: If someone has does something to help advance your career or put you in the spotlight, express gratitude. Write her a thank you note or send her some flowers. And be sure to pay the kindness forward to help another woman sometime soon.
You know, navigating midlife is tricky, and comes with its own unique challenges. Women are facing health issues. They’re dealing with aging parents and going through challenging times with kids. And the list goes on. So I think there are a few extra ways we can support one another during this life phase, when the you-know-what hits the fan and we need one another more than usual.
If you’ve got a friend or a woman in your community who’s in need, here are a couple things you can do to help:
Create a safe space for support. Share your experiences, so that other women know they’re not alone. Offer a listening ear without judgment. Take the time to listen if a woman you know needs to vent or process emotionally. Encourage her to prioritize self-care or seek professional help if needed.
For a friend in need, you can also be a source of practical assistance. Offer to help with errands, meals, or childcare. Advocate for your friend at doctors appointments if that’s something they want. This is important: Ask her what she needs. Ask often.
Probably most important is to be there for your friend. Listen without interrupting. Avoid offering unsolicited advice unless requested. Validate a friend’s feelings and offer reassurance. Be patient and understanding as your friend navigates her journey.
Finally, I just wanna say that supporting other women is not going to come as easy to you if you’re not looking after yourself. As we all know by now, kindness and generosity can only be expressed from a place of security within yourself. So remember that you need nurturing too. Take care of your health. Do the things you love to do. Surround yourself with people who inspire you. And ask for help when you need it. Lean on your friends for support. We’ve all to dark places, and sharing our experiences can create a powerful network of empathy and understanding.
So, ladies, let’s ditch the competition and the judgment, and instead embrace collaboration, celebrate individuality, and lift each other up. I think it’s possible to create a world where every woman feels seen, heard, and valued for the incredible being she truly is. Together, we can collectively rock this thing called midlife.
Thank you for tuning in to More Beautiful. It would mean so much if you could subscribe, rate and review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you’re listening. Together, let’s continue to change the conversation around aging.
