7. How to Get Unstuck in Midlife
The following is a transcript of this episode. It has been edited for clarity.
Intro: Do you know how to get what you want? If you’re listening to this, there’s a good chance that something or someone like yourself might be getting in your way. Whether you’re yearning for change in your career, lifestyle or relationship, there are ways to get yourself unstuck. Today on the More Beautiful podcast, we’re chatting with Kelly Lynn Adams, who is an award winning certified executive leadership and life coach and the founder of the woman, work, worth movement about the belief systems and self sabotaging behaviors that might be holding you back from going after that thing that you really really want. Welcome to More Beautiful, the podcast for women rewriting the midlife playbook. I’m Maryann LoRusso, and I invite you to join me and a guest each week as we strive for a life that’s more adventurous, more fulfilling, and more beautiful than ever before.
Maryann: Thank you so much for joining us today, Kelly.
Kelly: I’m so excited to be here.
Maryann: So excited to have you here. And I’d love to start out by just asking you: As a life coach, you’ve worked with women in all phases of life, but what are the most common career issues that you would say women over 40 face as they enter midlife?
Kelly: That’s a really great question. And, you know, the most common I am seeing and witnessing now is imposter syndrome. Just being, you know, not as confident, even though they have all of these, you know, accolades and accomplishments and really can get the job done. And the self doubt, the self trust, the using their voice. They’re worried about reputation, too, like, how are they going to sound? Are they going to say something wrong or incorrect or make them look a certain way? So there’s still this like confidence, self trust, self doubt…like, a little bit, right? And they’re very, very successful women. And it’s interesting. And even I have some of that stuff come up. I mean, we’re human. Because it’s always like that. Whenever you get to the next level, there’s like that next level, a new level, kind of, always something else that we get to work on. So I would say those were or are like some of the common things that I see reoccurring.
Maryann: Right. It’s interesting you said next level, because does this happen more frequently when you’re facing like a career crossroads? Or you’re, you know, you have this desire to build something new or make a change? Does it happen more often then? The self doubt?
Kelly: Yes. 100 percent. Also, from what I have seen, it happens when something’s uncomfortable or unknown. So a lot of people, you know, even with COVID, right? A lot of people dealt with COVID great when it first, you know, came and appeared. And then others really had a struggle with it. So I think it’s also the unknown, the newness of anything, so maybe it’s not next level so much, but it’s anytime someone is getting ready to do something different, or not in their comfort zone. Because over and over again, I hear, well, I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid of success overnight. So it’s, yeah, it could appear in those even taking like a new exercise class or, you know, changing a habit or routine. It can appear in any of those situations.
Maryann: Wow. I mean, and you also hear about women, you know, talking about ageism in the workplace. And that I find with women my age, especially. It ties in, they have this fear that it’s too late to do something or that they’re going to be judged for it. They’re too old. What would you say to that?
Kelly: You’re never too old. It’s never too late. There’s some stories—and I forget some of the women’s names, but I think I saw on social media, there was a yoga instructor or she was doing yoga, like 82 or 85. And that’s awesome. And then there was like another woman who, you know, just graduated college at 90, right? So it’s, you know, a lot of times I think, in my experience, what I’ve seen is people limit themselves. It’s all of society’s and the patriarchal conditioning and social media and, you know, image, and all of that. Sometimes they’re selling us, you know, we are too old or it is too late in some of the marketing messages or some of just the programming that has occurred year after year and for years around women, and, you know, we get to break free from that. And I don’t think overall, I don’t think it’s all over. And you will get to see it, right, when you’re either on social media or in marketing campaigns. And I think companies and people are being more aware of it. Right? And shifting the narrative. And I still think it’s there, right? There’s still a long ways to go.
Maryann: I agree with you that I think as more women become the creators and are in charge, the narrative is shifting. I had a woman contact me on Instagram the other day. She’s almost 70 years old and she wrote her first novel, and I was so excited for her. It’s amazing what you can do at any age, right?
Kelly: Yeah, at any age. It’s breaking through those barriers. I run a program called Shatter Your Glass Ceilings. And that’s exactly what it is. It’s like, what is holding you back? What are the thoughts? Or what are the conditioning or the programming that you have been used to, because we all have different programming. And, you know, even when we were children from zero to seven years old, our brain is like a sponge. And really, past 7 years old, it gets…it gets, really, our subconscious. And we’re unconsciously programmed around everything. The people that were around, the TV, or the environments that we’re we’re subjected to. Not our fault, right? Not our fault. Our programming and our belief systems and all of that, our past is not our fault. It is our responsibility, though, to unwire, unlearn and shift, shatter those glass ceilings and those limiting beliefs that are keeping us stuck and are keeping us held back.
Maryann: Right. I think, you know, by now we all know that our histories and our childhood kind of feeds into who we are today. And we have all those beliefs, like you mentioned, that can hold us back. At what point does it become like self sabotage? You know, like, how do you recognize that in yourself? And work on them?
Kelly: Yeah, and I think some people are aware of it, right? Like, I know when I’m self sabotaging myself, very regularly, like, even as small as, OK, I’m going to start to work out and eat right. And I’ll do it good for a couple of days. And then I’ll fall off the wagon, right? And so that way, it’s like, OK, I’m self sabotaging myself. So I get to decide in each moment. And this is what I love about just the whole coaching industry and personal development, and even just your own self mastery, is you get to decide. Because we’re aware, sometimes. Sometimes not, right? A lot of times, we also have blind spots where a mentor or coach or you know, someone who has done it before, been through a certain situation or knows where to go…Well, we’ll help you and support you in that. And, you know, most of the times when you’re self sabotaging yourself, so you get to in that moment, in that day, or that week to be like, OK, I’m going to make another choice, I get to make another choice. I choose. And every month, we have choice, and that is such a powerful statement. And sometimes it doesn’t sound like it. I mean, even one of my mentors said to me, even prisoners in a prison, you know, inmates, you know, like people in a prison, they even have choice, are they going to eat? Right? So this whole question of, do you have choice in a situation, with your thoughts, with your own self, we always do many other situations, our hands can be tied or whatnot. But we always have choice of what to think, how to respond and how to act. And I think sometimes a lot of us, right, forget that. So to break out of that self sabotage, and when you’re limiting yourself, it’s just like, take a beat, take a breath, and be like, OK, what is my choice? What are my options? What can I do differently? Or how can I show up in the world? Or how can I behave differently? So I don’t know if that answers your question.
Maryann: Yeah, no, it does. And a life coach of course can help you with that, right? Kind of recognize those patterns, and…
Kelly: Yeah, I mean, a coach, a therapist, a mentor, really any one outside of you, or, maybe inside. You know? I mean, I’ve had people that I know and trust in my world being like, Kelly, you’re doing that thing again. And I’m like, I know. So it’s, yeah, it’s getting and being willing. I think what also comes with all of that is the person’s willingness to be open to hear it, because not everyone’s open to hear it. Not everyone wants to change. Not everyone needs a coach, you know, and that’s okay. Right? There’s 7.8 billion people in the world. Not everyone is interested in growing or learning about themselves or pushing to that next level, and that’s OK too. Because everyone’s on their own journey. And, you know, my coach said to me recently, like, there are no mistakes, you know, there are no mistakes. Even if you’re supposed to take a left turn and you took a right hand turn, right, your inner GPS and whoever you believe in —spirit, God, energies, Allah, Buddha, Jesus, Madonna—it’ll all kind of…It’s an inner GPS, you’ll always be guided to the right next move, everything is unfolding in life, and life is life-ing us.
Maryann: I want to go back to what you were talking about earlier: imposter syndrome. Can we elaborate on that? Because I find that term comes up a lot lately. Everyone’s talking about it. Why do we have it? Why is it so prevalent?
Kelly: Yeah, well, impostor syndrome is just the feeling of not being able or not being qualified enough to do something else, right, even though you have the accolades and the accomplishments and you’ve done certain things before in your past, whether it’s that thing that you’re doing now, or…So it’s this self conscious, maybe not 100% belief that you can do it, maybe you’re not confident about doing it. So it’s really like this little bit of insecurity. And I think it’s so important to recognize that a lot of people have it. I think the statistics show, like, that a lot of women—it’s a high percentage, I think it’s like over 60%, maybe even higher—a lot of successful women have this. And, you know, you just have to remeber there’s certain things that you can do to overcome it. And it’s like, you know, every time we do something different, or we step into the unknown, it’s going to appear. One exercise that I have my clients do is, OK, I want you to make a list of at least 100 things, accomplishments, accolades that you have achieved or accomplished. I don’t care if you keep it in your phone, I don’t care if you keep it in your notebook. Because then you get to remind yourself, when you hear that rejection, when you hear that “no”, when you step into the meeting, when you’re doing something new, and you’re like, oh, I’m unsure of this, you get to look at that list and be like, oh, no, look…And you can go back as far as like 10 years old, if you want to, as young as you can, and remind yourself. And even the simple things that seem simple to you. Like I had a woman say, oh, yeah, I mean, I graduated from an Ivy League college. And I’m like, what? Right? Like she thought that was like, yeah, doesn’t everyone, right? So right there…Some people didn’t even have the opportunity to go to a college. Right? So right there is huge for her, right? Even painting a picture when you were 10 years old, and maybe you got an award, like put it down because it’s just a remembrance of, oh, yeah, I did that. And it was so worth it deep down. It’s a worthiness conversation, and, like, not remembering all of the accomplishments and accolades that you have achieved. And really, even if we strip that even further, it’s like, you are worthy just because you were born. People are like…really? You say that, right. But people are like, yeah, and like, I don’t know, because…Should I be asking for a 30% increase in my next position? It’s like, why wouldn’t you? Right? So we sometimes ultimately know that oh, yeah, of course I’m worthy. Of course I’m loved. Of course I’m enough, because I’m born. And it’s like, yeah. And really, do you believe that? Right? Because when these different situations come up, like, oh, I want to reach out to an influencer or successful person, or I want to ask X, Y, and Z. And then we like, kind of shy away. It’s like, well, why wouldn’t you write? So it comes up in different forms. And, yeah, so that’s what I think is really common, because people can deal with it in any area, any aspect in their life, whether it’s business or love, relationships or self image, body image.
Maryann: And it’s amazing that someone highly successful can have that, too. You know, I know CEOs who have it. I knew a celebrity who had it.
Kelly: Yeah. And it’s common, right? Because we do get knocked down. I mean, as many successes that people have, we also have failures. And the human brain…It’s by default that we look for the failures and the “no”s and everything that’s going wrong instead of focusing on what’s right.
Maryann: And is that a part of the reason why we get stuck? I would imagine that feeling that way would be one of the reasons you’d be driven to the life coach or someone for help, right? You want to get unstuck. What’s the first thing you would do in dealing with a client who says that to you? Because I don’t know where to go from here.
Kelly: Yeah, yes, to answer your question, because it’s the default of the negative patterns. But it’s also like the negative loop patterns. And sorry, there’s thunder in the background.
Maryann: So that’s one of the things I miss about New York. I miss it so much. Thunderstorms. I’m so jealous.
Kelly: Yeah. So that’s the negative loop pattern, right. Some of us go down this…I don’t know about anyone who’s listening, but I go down this rabbit hole or this snowball effect, where if something occurs, I just get hooked sometimes of being like, oh my gosh, and then I future trip to the future on that negative thought pattern or I can’t get it out of my head. So the first thing to get unstuck is to actually be aware and recognize what you are doing to yourself. Right? That is okay. What thoughts am I thinking? And there’s a really great resource, the Untethered Soul.
Maryann: I love that book. I love it.
Kelly: So he talks about, right, the inner roommate or the inner critic, and I always have this picture of right angel and devil like sitting on your left side shoulder, right side of the shoulder. And I always think, OK, is this thought, or are these thoughts, helpful or hurtful for me in this moment? And that has been huge. And it’s so simple. It’s so simple, but we have over 60,000 thoughts a day. And I know they’re not all positive. I know, for me, they’re not all positive. They might be doubting or negative.
Maryann: Is that all? 60,000? I probably have that in an hour.
Kelly: Right, so just imagine, right, how fast our brains and our thoughts are, you know, working. So it’s like, OK, if we can just stop and be aware, that when in this moment…I had actually a coach and a mentor have me wear a rubber band around my wrist. And every time I went down the rabbit hole or had a negative or not so empowering thought, we have to snap it. And it’s huge, right? And it’s like, oh my gosh, what am I doing? And it’s allowing yourself, right? Because if you are going through a heartbreak, if you are going through financial troubles, if you are going through grief and loss of a loved one, right? Yes, right. There’s different seasons also in our life. So giving ourselves also grace, space and ease that in those moments, like just allowing yourself to process those feelings, because that is also normal. Like, I’m not saying everyone should have rose colored glasses on every moment in every day, right? Their life is life-ing us. And we get to sit in the uncomfortable…sit in the anger, grief, sadness, and joy, and everything that comes up. And, you know, you’re internally…No, like, when you’re going down that rabbit hole, I tell people first it’s the awareness of it. Because it is. It’s your thought control, your feelings and your actions, actions and habits. So it’s like this whole, you know, everything’s connected, right?
Maryann: That’s when breathing and meditation is very, very beneficial.
Kelly: Yeah, 100%. Breathwork, meditation. Also getting it out of your body, you know. I had a client recently. She’s like, you know, I get really triggered, you know, when someone says something wrong, or I don’t think for understanding something. And she’s like, I don’t know how to control my anger. And so I asked her, what are you doing to release that anger? Now, if you’re in a board room, you know, you’re not gonna be able to do it right at that moment, right, like releasing and getting angry. And the body always keep score. Right, the body and the mind. So what the mind forgets the body remembers. So a lot of that goes with the trauma work. Like, if I asked you to tap into a trauma that happened to you at 10 years old, or 12 years old, you could do it because your body remembers. So when you start to feel that, how are you releasing? Meditation, breath work, hitting pillows, smashing glasses, throwing pebbles into a lake? Are you going to a boxing class? How are we releasing the anger, the grief, the sadness, anything that we are experiencing? Because if we do not put it out into the light, it’s that darkness. Getting it into the light, getting it released, being witnessed, even, you know, some people go to support groups and they’re witnessed in their shame and their grief. And so that is really healing, believe it or not. Because a lot of people do not take the time to feel and to process right. We’re doing things, over eating over it. We’re drinking over it. We’re having intercourse over it. We’re shopping over it. So if you can just be aware and then start to process it, you know, that is like the first step.
Maryann: Yeah, that’s why I run. Pounding that pavement is awesome. But what if you know, OK, so you can get yourself unstuck, you’re kind of aware of those cues your body’s giving you. What if you just don’t know what you want? Like, you’re stuck because you don’t know, really what you desire? Is it the same thing? Is there like a body-mind connection with that, too?
Kelly: Yes. And sometimes, it’s also like an overwhelm or procrastination. Like, that question is so big, right? When I ask people, like, what do you really want, not a lot of people can answer because it’s so open ended. They’re like, uh, like, I don’t even know where to begin. And so sometimes it’s kind of, you know, overwhelming, right? And just being like, that’s a big question. So what I like to tell people is like, start small, right? It’s like, the ripple effect, or the domino effect. You know, start with one area of your life, you know, what do you want? And maybe it’s like, maybe you focus on your health for now? Or maybe it’s business, like, what’s important, what gets you up in the morning? You know, what makes you feel passionate? Like, what do you want to build or create or see a change in? And so I really direct people to, you know, kind of start with one thing, because then you can go into all the others, you know, because right now, right, if you’re listening to this, you have something that is on your heart, right? Or in your head, or maybe you have that thought, or maybe you’re not motivated right now, like maybe it is a season of recuperation and rest, which is great. And then other times, it’s like, OK, I want to create something, and what is it? What is it? You know, I don’t even know if I can think five or 10 years outside of, you know, the age I am now. And I will invite you just, yeah, like, what is making your heart sing right now? Or what makes you, you know, feel motivated or creative? And start there. Because when we get that question of like, what do we want, it’s so big. People just avoid it, or like, I don’t even know.
Maryann: Yeah, remember when visual boards were all the rage? I mean, a few years ago, everyone was doing one of those. I mean, I can kind of still see the benefit of those, just kind of getting all your thoughts and your desires in one place, and kind of reminding yourself of what you want.
Kelly: 100 percent. And you could do that. And it’s also like getting pen to paper or even, you know, on your computer. It’s just, do a brain dump, right, of everything. If—this is a question, right? Blank canvas. If a genie came out of a bottle, rightm and not even granted you three wishes, if they granted you 100 wishes, what would they be? Right? And that’s why, even with the—I call it the brag and boast list for the imposter syndrome, right, of writing down the accomplishments. Same thing here, right? Just write down everything. Maybe you want to travel more, maybe you want to get healthier, like literally write down 100 things because you’re just gonna keep getting deeper and deeper and deeper, you know, they can be tangible things or intangible things of how you want to feel where you want to go. How much money do you want to create? So if you just do a brain dump, that is also helpful to just get all these ideas just flushed out, you know, either on a computer or on paper.
Maryann: As a life coach, do you find that women’s dreams and aspirations do change at different ages? Do you see patterns?
Kelly: Yes and no. It all depends on the person, really, you know, because I have younger clients that are like, I don’t even know, or they’re like, I have 1000 things I want to do. And then I have older clients like that, or vice versa. So it depends on the client. And I think it just depends on the person and the personality and what it is that they do want to create. I know people that are like, no, I’m actually good. Like, I’m good for the next 10, 20 years. And they’re like, OK, you know, so it really just depends. And, you know, patterns, I would say…I see a few patterns, you know, I see women that may want to have kids really be like, oh, I have to focus on my career before I have kids, right? I’ve seen that. Or I’ve seen women that have kids and they’re like, OK, now it’s like, kind of like their second wind. Like, what am I doing with my life after kids? So those patterns I do see. And, you know, we’re all limitless and we can do whatever we want, and create whatever we want at any time.
Maryann: I love that…Limitless. That’s awesome. The JLo song, have you heard it, a couple of years ago? She made a movie. She made a movie called, like, Second Act or something. And the theme song is called “Limitless”. But I’m just focusing on midlife for a second. You mentioned like empty nest, right? Women kind of creating that second act or whatever. I know that’s an overused term by now. But are there specific issues that come up with that? I mean, besides the normal stuff like the imposter syndrome and not knowing what you want, are there specific age related issues of women after 40? Things that blocked them from going after what they want?
Kelly: Yeah, so what I’m seeing in the women that I’m dealing with is a lot, the majority of them, like, have this newfound confidence. They’re like, you know what? Whether 40’s the new, 50’s the new whatever, right? Like that kind of thing. So I’m finding more confidence and more being like, I don’t care, you know, I’m going for it. And then also, I’m finding, you know, the women are like, the conversation we were having, like, I’m too old, is it too late? Right, who’s gonna pay attention, depending on what they want to do? I think it’s kind of like, either one side of the fence or the other. And, you know, I think it just comes down to, like, what do you want? You know? What do you really want? And it doesn’t have to look a certain way. Because, you know, we can create whatever we want. And not putting ourselves in a box and not conforming to society, right, that I think is so important for women to hear and know. And I think people are doing it differently nowadays, you know, I think they’re pushing the limits. Those are, I would say, what I’m kind of seeing. It’s like one end of the spectrum or the other.
Maryann: Do you believe in manifestation?
Kelly: Oh, yeah.
Maryann: Yeah. What are some ways we can do that? Can we work on manifesting our realities or our future?
Kelly: Yeah. Well, this is the thing with manifestation, right? There’s a lot of different ways, and I can give you some ways, and it’s like, we also have to make sure that we’re working on like, the past stuff, right? The things that may be limiting us, the thoughts, the beliefs, right, because you could say, like, I’m gonna manifest, you know, $100 today, and yet in the core…
Maryann: People get that specific?
Kelly: Yeah, you could get real—right, just think about it, right. It’s the order to the universe or God, whoever you believe in at night. It’s like going to a restaurant and being like, I want my, you know, if you eat hamburgers, I want my hamburger well done. When you’re manifesting, one thing is like getting really specific.
Maryann: I try to do it with parking, like, please, I’m envisioning that parking space opening up right in front of me.
Kelly: Yes, yes. And so, right, if we go with that, and if you go like the order of the hamburger, we can feel it. And we can imagine it and envision it and all of that. If there is a core childhood wound around worthiness, if you truly don’t believe that you can have that parking space, or if you don’t truly believe that it’s possible to get $100 today—and it may not happen, right—it’s also…A manifestation is letting go. Not knowing how it’s going to show up. Because you can put your order to the universe. And if you’re attached to the $100 coming right in this moment, that’s a resistance. So it’s also being unattached, while you still feel the feeling of having it, feel the feeling of worthiness, abundance, enoughness. So it’s a couple of things to manifestation where you were like, well, manifestation just doesn’t work. It’s like, OK, well, we have to dive deeper and like, why, how is it not working?
Maryann: Because the universe is smarter than us. Right? The universe knows when we’re not ready. And the universe also knows when we’re full of shit, because we may not…That’s the other thing. I think that if you don’t really want something, you’re not going to get it. Like, you may think you want it, but it’s not really what you want.
Kelly: Yeah, so two things here. Always think of the universe, God Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Madonna, whoever you believe in. It’s a big “yes” button. Right? So we get to calibrate and align with the “yes” button. So it’s like, if the universe, God, is always saying yes to you, and it’s always wanting to fulfill your desires, even though it might not come in the form that you want, it always is saying yes. Life loves you. There were no mistakes. Like, they want to give you whatever you want, right? If it’s for your highest good, right? And well, you brought up a good point, which is like, it senses energy as well. So if you’re full of ish…So I had a really powerful exercise where I worked with horses, right? And horses are those animals where they’re not like dogs. They don’t come when you call them. They don’t listen to you, they only listen to energy.
Maryann: I love horses,
Kelly: Yeah. So this is a great practice, if anyone’s listening. And some may already know this. Horses are very therapeutic, you know, people with addiction, recovery…Couples use horses, they work with horses, because they’re so healing. So what horses do is, they’re the type of animal that read and sense your energy. So if you’re full of ish, they will know it. So I actually got the opportunity to be like…I had to move a horse across the ranch, like see in my mind where I wanted the horse to go, going in the direction. And I picked an alpha horse, and I got onto the field or whatever. The horse was not even looking at me, because my energy wasn’t right. So the trainer was like, OK, you’re gonna step and you’re gonna command, right? So it all has to do with your energy, of commanding and knowing that the horse is going to move, because you said so. Because my whole body, I had to get into alignment with my belief that I will move that horse, like every part of me. So it is like when you say like, the universe is really good. And because it’s your vibration, it’s your thoughts, it’s your being, it’s who you’re showing up as. So I literally started again, which is great, because in life, you can always start again, right? It was so metaphoric, the whole experience. I went back onto the field, and I stood in my power. And I was like, I’m moving this horse. And the horse felt the energy and turned around. And it took them a little while, right. And I just kept, like, pointing in that direction and standing there. And pointing that direction and envisioning where he would go, where I would direct him. And he kept, like, trotting, right? And then I was like, oh my gosh, where am I pointing to? And there’s a little unsureness, and he stopped, right. So again, the horse was like reading my energy. He totally was. And another example of this. The horse eventually went to where I wanted to go. I was with a girlfriend of mine. And she was working on her boundary. So she really didn’t have boundaries with men. She had no boundaries with her family. She had no boundaries. So the horse was playful. Another horse came up to her that was playful, started nipping at her ankle.
Maryann: He was testing her boundaries.
Kelly: Exactly. So the trainer’s like, you allow him to get too close to you. Right? So they are always so…Again, it does come down to energy, and how you’re showing up, and do you believe it and all of that.
Maryann: Wow, I don’t even know about horse therapy. But when I was a kid, we used to go to this like dude ranch, it was all the rage in the 80s. And there was a woman who did not want to get on this horse. We were on like, you know, a trotting thing. And she wouldn’t. She’s like, no, I just feel…I don’t, I’m not in the mood for this. And the trainer forced her to get on the horse. Within five minutes, the horse tossed her off, like the horse was like, no, she’s not meant to be here. She doesn’t want to be here. She’s not in it to win it. It tossed her. Sorry, this is becoming the equestrian podcast.
Kelly: But there’s a lot of lessons in it, right, with manifestation, and how you show up in the world. And do you really want the thing that you say you want?
Maryann: So I know you’re in New York City, so you’re not taking people to a stable. So what is your version of getting people to figure out what they want?
Kelly: Well, I do sometimes, you know, sometimes you will go there. Yeah, sometimes I’ll have them work with horses. So it’s in the small things, right? What you say you want, do you really want it? Are your words and your actions matching, right, you know. Your words create your world. And are you in alignment with what you say you want and what you’re doing and who you’re being in the world? So that literally can be as small as if you’re calling in abundance. And your wallet is like just a junk drawer, right? You have all these credit cards in your wallet out ages, or maybe your house is a mess where you’re calling in abundance. It’s like, OK, like how is abundance even able to show up if there’s not space and there’s not a clear pathway for it to show up? So it’s really, how are you living? And how does it align with where you’re calling it? You know, I had a client, she was in a corporate role and she wanted, you know, a $40,000 increase in a new position. And so how was she? Did she feel worthy of it? What did she want? How did she want to get that $40,000 increase? So we worked together and it’s like, OK, what actions are you taking for that? Are you networking? Are you applying for jobs? Like, what are you doing every day? And so in a couple of weeks, there was like three or four weeks, she got three offers, and they were all bidding. Like she literally was negotiating with all of them. And she got the $40,000 that she wanted and more.
Maryann: That’s awesome. That was my next question, actually. Like, what if you do have your dreams pinpointed? You know what you’re gonna go after. Right? Action, right, has to be the next thing. How do you have to start taking action?
Kelly: Yeah, so before the action, it’s the being. So it’s actually like, visualizing and embodying that person that is already there, with the end in mind. So you want to get to visualize yourself already having it, already being done. It’s already done. Like, in your mind be like, it’s already done. I see it, I feel it, I connect with it. I make decisions from that place. So it’s literally like, how would you show up when you’re at that end goal? Right? You are already there. Whatever you want. The multimillion dollar business, the partner, spouse, the children, whether you want to move somewhere. With the end in mind, how are you showing up? And then it’s like reverse engineering it on a day by day, even moment by moment, way of being. So it’s a beingness. Because then when you’re being that person, then it’s easier to take the right actions, coming from that place. If I’m saying, OK, well, I want to be a multimillion dollar, you know, founder, creator, entrepreneur. And I’m not saying, you know, always, you know, always kind of be all made up. I was like, how would that person go to Whole Foods? Right? Like, would that person need to go to Whole Foods, right? Would they go out? So it just depends on how you’re creating. Or would they do Amazon Prime? Or would they be dressed up when they’re going food shopping? Right? So it just depends on how you are being, like how you’re creating what you’re creating, and every moment.
Maryann: You bring up an interesting point for me, when talking about someone who wants to be like a mogul, or a multimillionaire. Do you have clients who come in with those sort of like money focused ambitions, and you feel like it’s not really about money, or it shouldn’t be about money? They’re focused too much on money, or material things? It’s about something else, like, do you find that common?
Kelly: Oh, yes, yes, absolutely. And it’s never about the thing that we want, right? Money or not. Money, love, health. It’s why we want what we want. We want what we want, because we want the feeling that it’s going to give us or that it’s associated with.
Maryann: How we want the feeling, hm. Or the feeling we think we’re going to get.
Kelly: Right. And so the whole game of it is to start feeling that now, like you already have that now. The money, the partner, the children, the location, whatever it is. The health, the peace, start feeling it now, because it’s like a magnet. If you start feeling and being and acting in a way that you already have it, then it’s easier to attract it. Because a lot of times, and let’s say one of my clients wanted the money thing, right? She’s like, I want money and like, what is money going to bring you? Right? She’s like, peace and freedom and happiness and joy. And it was a moment, mostly peace. So I was like, OK. How can you feel those feelings now? Right? Like you already have it. What would that person…Who would she be? Right? Who would she be showing up as when she has those feelings?
Maryann: And have you ever experienced somebody thinking they want one thing? And then because of how you have them kind of inhabiting themselves, it kind of changes their goal? They’re like, hmm, I kind of like the way I am now. Or maybe like, somewhere in between what I thought I wanted and how I am now?
Kelly: Yes, and things happen easier, right? Because it’s when we also, like, lessen the grip of what we want. Things kind of flow in. So I don’t know if it’s ever happened to you, but when I’m in the shower, or when I’m on vacation, like when my mind is at rest and not really thinking about anything, I’ll get a divine download in the shower. I’ll get, like, the best idea always in the shower.
Maryann: What is it about the shower?
Kelly: Because, right, your mind is at rest, right? When you’re not thinking about your to-do list, like your brain can actually rest. You’re open and receiving.
Maryann: And we can sing so well in the shower.
Kelly: Yeah. And so I’ll tell you another story. So you’re at peace, you’re at rest, right? You’re more open, you’re not expecting, you’re not gripping. You’re not like, I need to make this happen, because that’s where resistance is. And we’re talking about manifestation. So I have a client, current client right now. She has a lot of scarcity and a lot of fear around money. And around like, oh, I need more clients, I need more clients to get to the next level. She went on vacation, OK. And she sent me this voice note, she’s like, I’m so in gratitude, I’m having an amazing time. She’s going internationally and like, this is amazing. She wasn’t checking her email, she came back from vacation, and she had 10 leads, business leads of people wanting to work with her, whether they found her through, you know, on LinkedIn, or website referral, she had 10 leads, and she did nothing. And all those 10 leads came when she was on vacation. Coincidence? No.
Maryann: No. I find that happens to me all the time, when I’m stressed out or feeling insecure, nothing happens. And when I’m in a great space, it all happens.
Kelly: And I want to say this for people, right? Because when we get into this goal of mine, and what we want, it’s an opportunity here. If we think we really want something and it’s like, oh, it didn’t happen, can we release it and let go? Because maybe it is not meant for you now. Maybe it’s meant for you later, maybe there’s something else coming in first that you need to experience. So for the people that are holding on tightly to anything, right to a specific business deal, client, partner, amount of money, right? Hold the vision. And don’t hold it so tightly and be open to whatever else, even if it’s not that thing. Whatever else is going to come in, maybe in its place for now. Right?
Maryann: Love that.
Kelly: Yeah, sometimes we get so caught up in the frame, like I want a picture frame that’s hot pink. Right? I can’t find a hot pink picture frame. But a brown one may appear. And maybe we need the brown picture frame. I don’t know, because it’s going to prepare us for the hot pink picture frame. So it’s also being open and allowing and receiving, even if the thing doesn’t come exactly the way you envisioned it. Being open to receive, you know, something like this or something better.
Maryann: I love that. And it goes back to that old adage, right? You know, letting something go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. Yeah, I love that. Anything else, Kelly, that you think would just help women right now, anyone out there who’s feeling stuck? What should their first steps be? If they were going to do one thing today, what would you recommend they do to turn their day around?
Kelly: OK, so I know I’m gonna get a little morbid here. So if you knew, right, you were gonna die next week, like, what would you do? Would you take action on that thing? Would you go on vacation? I’m not saying like, oh, just go on vacation…Iit’s just your mindset of being grateful for the moment for what you have now. Right? All needs are met. Everything is OK in this moment. First recognizing that and then being like, OK. Because we don’t know, we don’t know how long we have. We don’t know. Right? Like, when COVID happened. Like, we didn’t know what was gonna happen or not. People were very uncomfortable, right, in the unknown. So we don’t know, we’re not promised, you know, everything. We’re not promised another year, we’re not promised. So if you have something on your heart and in your head, the only time is now, right? That’s the only moment we have. And so whether that motivates you, whether that triggers you, whether you don’t like that comment or that question of OK, I don’t know how much…It’s like, if not now, then when?
Maryann: Right. I don’t know who would object to that comment. I think we’re all thinking about that now, especially after the year and a half we’ve all had, you know?
Kelly: Yes, and, right, people are still waiting on things. And it’s like, just do the thing, right? Just want it, even if it’s…Just do one action. One domino, right? You know when you play dominoes? It’s like one domino hits the other domino hits the other domino. What’s one thing today that is going to help you? Maybe even just take action, right? Maybe some people listening to this are like, I’m in a negative, depressive, anxious place right now. Right? So maybe it’s like, OK, lowering the downtime. Maybe I’m only gonna be depressed or anxious for the next two hours, and then I’m gonna get my butt, you know, back into feeling good or taking action or whatever. Or other people are building, like, multimillion dollar businesses, right? And so what’s one action? Can you reach out to someone today? It only takes one, right? So it’s not knowing how much time we have left. And like, what? What impact do you want to create? And it doesn’t have to be this massive. You can literally…Right now, someone’s listening to it, I’m impacting their lives. They might impact someone else’s life, right? So it’s whatever you’re doing, and this is like to say—I put it in a social media post—whatever healing you’re doing inside yourself, whatever person you’re helping, you are healing seven generations past, right, with your healing, and seven generations future. Right? Whether you have kids or not doesn’t matter. You’re healing the world. Like, I know, that’s a really big bold statement. But it’s true. Right? Every action we take, every thought we think, it has an impact, right? So what is it, you know, what is it for you listening? It’s going to look like something different for every single person.
Maryann: And one of the things I want to add is also not to compare yourself to anyone, because isn’t that also like a poisonous sort of mentality?
Kelly: Yep. Because we don’t know. You know, I had a mentor that, you know, everyone thought was an overnight success. And I was with her from the beginning. And I’m like, you know, she’s been working at this for like, 15, 20 years. Like, it’s not just because she hit the tipping point of publicity. And now she’s an X Y and Z with people that she’s known. Everyone’s like, oh, she was an overnight success. No, she wasn’t, actually. I was like, I was with her in her living room, you know? So it’s like, people don’t know the backstory, you don’t know. Someone’s chapter 12 is your chapter two, right? Like, we’re all at a different speed. And I used to be such a comparison person. And it’s like, your time is your time. Right? Maybe you aren’t known or you haven’t accomplished X Y and Z. Because it’s not your time. And your time is going to be your time, right? And this was really hard for me. It’s like celebrating those people, even your main competitors, as if it was your success. Because it’s only coming, if you are witnessing success going on around you. That’s just driftwood. That means it’s closer to you. And I
Maryann: I agree, I feel that there’s more of that around lately. I feel like there’s more like women supporting other women, this camaraderie, this huge network of women rallying around each other. I find that it’s a beautiful thing. I’m seeing it so much.
Kelly: Yeah, it’s your perception. So like another, you know, one of my clients wanted a white Mercedes Benz. And that’s all she wanted.
Maryann: Your clients want a lot of goods.
Kelly: Goods. Yeah, right? I know, very successful things. White Mercedes Benz. OK, so her perception. Every time she went out, she saw a white Mercedes. Like, she was just like, why are these white Mercedes Benz? Because it was in her perception. So I will say, if you were listening to this, and you’re seeing that person win and that person win and that person win, that only means that it’s in your perception. And that you’re next. It’s coming. You’re around it. Because your perception has shifted, and you are in the sphere of noticing it.
Maryann: That’s a nice thought. A nice, positive way to think about it. Very cool. Well, thank you, Kelly. I feel like you’ve made so many women’s day today.
Kelly: Oh, I hope so.
Maryann: Really. Your great energy. You have such amazing energy.
Kelly: Oh, thank you. I work on it daily.
Maryann: We all do. It doesn’t come easy to anyone, I don’t think.
Kelly: And I do a lot of crying, releasing anger. That’s the thing. It’s also, you know, think about your emotions and your feelings. Like if you need to cry every day, cry. If you need to punch a pillow every day, punch a pillow. Right? Because you’re getting it out and that actually is like a clogged drain. Right? If your drain is clogged, right, throw some Drano, like whatever it needs. Like, so the same thing with our emotions and feelings and energy. Get it out, release it and then come back to, like, realignment. So I work on it daily.
Maryann: Yeah. I remember there was a movie, Broadcast News, and Holly Hunter played this really uptight journalist, and she would make time every day to sit on her bed and sob. And I thought, wow, that’s an interesting idea. I can’t make myself cry on command, though, can you? It has to be natural.
Kelly: When I think of something…Like I can go back and think of certain things, you know, whether it’s someone passing away, you know? Yeah, I actually can. Because it’s like, it doesn’t feel good, right. And that’s the thing of the whole, like, when we work with trauma and all that, it doesn’t feel good. And if you want to release, like, it’s always a choice. I’m not saying cry every day and get angry every day.
Maryann: I know you’re not saying that.
Kelly: Yeah, you don’t need to, but some people that may be going through, you know…It’s because there’s also this like toxic positivity, right, in the world. And we also don’t want that, because it’s just another way of like, hiding and suppressing. And so for so many years, I was suppressing my feelings.
Maryann: When you say toxic, you mean, like, fake happiness? Posing?
Kelly: Yeah, fake positivity, you know? Like, you know, buying things that they either necessarily can’t afford, right, just to feel like they need to fit in or feel like they need to have the Mercedes or the bags or the, you know. So it’s just being, like, OK with where you’re at, right, and processing those feelings. You know, I’m not saying, oh, you know, make sure you cry and get angry every day now. I mean, life says we’re going to have those times. But in those times, like, where can we find compassion for ourselves and let it come out? Because what we don’t want to do is, because the whole positivity thing, it’s kind of like, are you resorting to that over something you’re not dealing with, or feeling, or being with. Right? It’s kind of like, OK, I’m not gonna look at this, I’m gonna go and buy something over it. I’m gonna go eat over it, or I’m gonna go, you know, go to a seminar over it. Right?
Maryann: Yeah, it’s a distraction.
Kelly: Yeah, so it’s just watching, you know, how you are being, right? And there’s always, again, there’s always a choice. You know, I have definitely eaten comfort food. I mean, you know, 100%.
Maryann: Oh, we all have.
Kelly: Yeah. And it’s like, OK, why am I…Just getting curious about it, and not beating yourself up, not making it wrong, not making it shameful. Just like, why am I doing this right now? OK, I’m doing this because I feel this way. Right? And so just bring the awareness to it and be like, what else could I do? If this act is not serving me, what else could I do? You know, because some people, like, instead of listening to a positive podcast, for instance, maybe they do need to cry, maybe they do need to hit some pillows, maybe they do need to get the rage out. So it’s just honoring where you’re at. And it’s being OK with everything, you know, and not suppressing and not hiding and not…Because I did that for years. And it turned into, you know, burnout, landing in the hospital, chronic illness. Because, again, right, the body does keep score. And if you keep ignoring signs—and this is with anything, it doesn’t have to do with just health—you could be…If you’re dating right now, you could be dating the same person or personality with a different face. Right? So it’s just looking at the patterns that you have and just getting curious around them and just realizing like where you are.
Maryann: Yeah. So it feels like the key to getting unstuck is a lot of self awareness.
Kelly: Right? Yeah. Just do the thing. Be the person. You’re exactly where you need to be right in this moment. And yeah, whatever’s on your heart and your head, it was only put there for you. So you get to carry it out.
Maryann: I love that. Thank you, Kelly.
Kelly: You’re so welcome. Thank you.
