The following is a transcript of this episode. It has been edited for clarity.
Intro: This is the time when so many of us are seeking purpose and meaning in our lives. We start thinking about how we can give back to our communities and make a difference in the world. Today, life coach and do-gooder Gia Duke is here to help us find our cause and leave a legacy. She says we have so much more to offer than we think, that even small deeds can make big change, and best of all, we can start making an impact right now. Welcome to More Beautiful, the podcast for women rewriting the midlife playbook. I’m Maryann LoRusso, and I invite you to join me and a guest each week as we strive for a life that’s more adventurous, more fulfilling, and more beautiful than ever before.
Maryann: Welcome back. I am so excited to be chatting today with my friend Gia Duke. Gia is a life coach and the author of the book Get Your Heart On, for people who want to make a difference and create a positive impact in the world. Gia, hi.
Gia: Hi, Maryann. I’m so happy we’re finally doing this. [Laughs]
Maryann: I am thrilled you are here.
Gia: Yay, me too.
Maryann: So, Gia. I’ve been thinking a lot about your book and your message, especially because we’re in the midst of the holiday season. So I’d love to start by asking you what inspired you to write this book and help people find their calling, in terms of giving back to their communities.
Gia: Right. Yes, great question. So what inspired me to write the book…I—if we back way up to college days—I always wanted to do something that helped other people, or helped in some way. I just wasn’t sure how to go about it. And this was the 90s, so we didn’t have all the examples in the world of things you could do, all this really cool work or social media, all that. Now it sounds kind of silly, though. I’m just saying that to think about how there’s so many examples in the world of ways you can give back. It wasn’t like that. It was kind of just like you and your bubble in the world and the people you knew. I just knew I wanted to help people, but I didn’t know how. So I’m going to fast forward all of college. I ended up getting a teaching degree—table that—and what happened was, I kind of kept feeling like me as a person…I’m one of those people that thinks about everything going on in the world. Always have, since pretty much my whole life. If not people, it’s animals. And I think about, how can I help? I kind of used to joke that I was looking for a job on how to save the world. Horrible thing, like, we don’t need anyone to save the world. But that’s what I felt like. I was looking for that job. So I would go to sleep at night, like years and years and years and years of thinking about all the pain in the world. And I’m sure you remember those commercials—they might even still have them on TV—where they would show the starving animals.
Maryann: Of course, yeah. They got me every time.
Gia: Ugh, gosh, they’re horrible. But those would come on, right? Or kids with distended bellies and flies going near their eyes. And I would just see these things, and those kinds of images were in my mind a lot. Like amost weekly, for many years of my life, thinking about the pain in the world. And I just kept feeling like, gosh, I’ve gotta be able to do something. What can I do? How can I help? And that was my big struggle: not knowing what to do. It was painful and kind of debilitating, and I didn’t know anyone who felt like me. It wasn’t like people talked about this kind of stuff.
Maryann: Out of curiosity, Gia, do you find that your reaction to those commercials and stuff like that is even stronger now? Because I know a lot of people in midlife become even more empathetic.
Gia: Right…I don’t know if it’s stronger. I mean, it would just break me down. Yeah. I cry at everything [laughs].
Maryann: Me too.
Gia: I cry at things like…[when I see] a beautiful rescue animal in a story. And I’m crying in three seconds.
Maryann: I know, me too. I’m like the double rainbow guy. Have you seen that video?
Gia: [Laughs] No, I don’t know it.
Maryann: There’s this guy that starts crying while he’s filming a double rainbow. [The video] will make you cry.
Gia: OK, I don’t know if I’ll cry at the double rainbow, but I get it. I like that he does. That’s awesome. And that you do. So, yes, OK, so maybe more now. I don’t know. It’s pretty much been a big part of my core. And honestly, I actually wrote letters to Oprah.
Maryann: You did?
Gia: Many. Yes.
Maryann: Did she write back?
Gia: No. [Laughs]
Maryann: Oprah, bad girl!
Gia: What’s up with that! I actually wrote a blog post a long time ago. You would appreciate it. It was called, “I don’t need Oprah, she needs me.” [Laughs]
Maryann: Oh, I love that. That’s confidence, girl.
Gia: Right? I just flip it.
Maryann: You have to go to Gayle. That’s the key to getting to Oprah.
Gia: Well, Gayle wasn’t in the picture back then. So she didn’t talk about Gayle. So anyways, I wrote her letters, and what I would say is basically…She was someone I knew, right? Someone I could see on TV that was doing amazing, incredible work. And I was like, help me help you. I’ll come with you. You don’t need to give me anything, I don’t need to get paid. I want to come along with you and help you do good work in the world and help people. So that’s kind of how I was, and how desperate I was. The only person I felt like I knew was Oprah. And then I made, like, my imaginary friends—I talk about that in my book. I still have them. I’ve got some in my office right now. And they’re just people that inspire me, that are doing good work in the world. And I put their pictures up on my wall, and I call them imaginary friends.
Maryann: Oh, I love that.
Gia: Yeah. And so like Martin Luther King was on my wall, and Jane Goodall, and Gandhi, and Nelson Mandela and all their faces, and I would look up and just go, OK, if they can do this, I can do this, I can figure it out. So fast forward—I’ll speed up my story here—what I did was I ran around from all these causes, just doing what I could to help. I would see a need, run around. And I felt like you know, OK, I’m gonna throw on my little cape, I’m the rescue girl, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, and help where I can. But what happened, as you might guess, was I couldn’t help fast enough, there were way too many causes to support, and just me, right? I just kept feeling like, oh my gosh, there’s more, there’s more, there’s more, there’s more desperation, more poverty, more starvation. And I started to feel super run down, exhausted. Pretty much was going to, like, hopeless. And I used to say, I just want to feel normal. By normal, I mean, like, turn that off. Like, have a switch in my head that just goes, kachink. I’m not going to worry about the rest of the world right now. I’m just gonna be me. I’m just gonna focus on my family and my house and my neighborhood and go about my life. But that’s not who I am. So eventually, what I did do, which was fantastic, was I was able to switch my focus and my thinking and my energy. And I went and looked at the give-back work that I was currently most passionate about at the time. So for me then, I became a teacher for a short time, an elementary school teacher. Then I started a creative arts wilderness retreat for foster youth, a nonprofit. I also volunteered locally for the Humane Society. We were going to build a no kill shelter, which was super amazing. I wanted to be involved with that. Our family rescued animals, we fostered—I love doing that. And then I also helped if I heard someone in my community saying there was a need. I would help raise money or just support their cause. Those were kind of the things I focused on, that kind of snapped me out of my basically…compassion exhaustion, was what I call it. And, you know, I just was weighed down by the world. In fact, a lot of people might be feeling that during the pandemic.
Maryann: Absolutely, I think so.
Gia: Yes, it’s huge and very common. And actually the thing people ask me about the most is, what is compassion exhaustion? And it’s where your deep sympathy for someone who’s struggling and your desire to alleviate their pain takes you over and that runs you down. That’s when you’re, like, boom. You’re at the bottom. So that’s where I was, and I had to bounce back. And how I did that was shift my focus. Now we can fast forward, now that you have my backstory, kind of like how deep of a person I am, and where my heart goes. So, the book. [Laughs] What inspired me to write the book was…It was always kind of on my life hit list, but probably was like the last thing I thought I would ever do. I’m way more of a talker than I am a writer, so writing kind of freaked me out. But my mom got sick. So she had dementia, and her memory loss journey started when she was 65, and went for about 10 years.
Maryann: So young.
Gia: Mhm, really young. And I didn’t have any friends whose parents were going through it, and I just kind of felt super alone. And if people are going through it, you don’t just lose one parent, if you have parents together. It’s like I kind of was losing my dad, you know, at the same time. So it was just such an interesting, hard journey that I know a lot of people are going through. And so I just needed a pause in my life. And I just wanted to write to heal, and to regroup. So I started going to coffee shops, and I just started writing. Like, for myself. Like, crying-writing. Double rainbow writing.
Maryann: Crying-writing. I’ve done that myself, yes.
Gia: And it was so therapeutic. You know, I was just writing about what I was feeling, what I was going through. And then the more I wrote, the more I started processing, getting that stuff out. Then I started writing stories about people in my life that had made a difference, or people that told me their stories of people who made a difference in their life. And then things kind of like I’ve learned along the way. So I was free-writing for like a little over a year. And then I started to feel like, OK, it was kind of grieving. It was like I was grieving. It’s a long process, if you’re on a journey with someone who’s sick, right? It’s not like it’s a sudden thing, they die and you heal and you grieve. Mine went on for 10 years.
Maryann: I’m so sorry.
Gia: It’s OK. I’m just sharing for, you know, I like to talk about it because there’s a lot of people in that position. If it’s helpful to somebody else, you know…
Maryann: I know exactly what you went through. My mom has Alzheimer’s and my family is going through it, so I know it’s an incredibly difficult ordeal. And you’re right, you lose the person not when they die, but in the years leading up to it. It’s just one of the most intense experiences that you can go through.
Gia: Right. And I knew that, and know you understand it very well, and it’s just grieving in a different way. You watch them turn into different people at different stages of life. So yeah, and so after that process, I started to feel more healed, that I was ready to help others again. It was kind of my second pause in my life. And I thought, well, if I’m going to publish just one book—because that’s all I’m gonna do, because like I said, not a writer here, that’s not my favorite mode of communication—which book, if I’m going to write it, would help the most people? So I looked at all my stuff, and I said, OK, I want to help people who want to make a difference in their own way, just like me. But can I help them skip the burnout and all the struggle? So that’s what I did. I wrote the book I wished I’d had many years ago. I purposely made it a how-to step by step action guide, because I was that girl, again, saying, you know, please, someone tell me what to do. I was just, like, begging for it. So I want this book to tell you what to do exactly. I also wanted it to be for the everyday person. That really mattered to me. It wasn’t a specific type of person. It can be anybody on the street, any age, any profession, any belief system. And I spent so much time—I need to count how many ideas are in the book, different ideas—trying to come up with all the different ways you can make a difference, not just like the few that I talked about and care about the most, so it appealed to lots of people. And then gave you all these tips and ideas of what you could do. Sometimes you need that spark, right, like, give me an idea that, oh, I never thought of doing something like that. Or, I could do that with the time that I have. So I did that. It’s full of ideas. And then I also made it fun, Maryann. That was really big for me, to make a fun book. Because all the books I could find when I was trying to find help, most of them tend to be really heavy, right? Because they’re about making a difference or change in the world. Or they’re super serious and deep. And so I wanted mine to show people you can make a difference and take care of yourself and have fun along the way. And that’s where the book came from, and why I started it.
Maryann: You know, More Beautiful is about midlife and what we’re all going through together as a generation. And I think everybody wants to create a life that has more meaning, more purpose and connection. And a lot of us think about that, even more so around the holidays…This stage of life is a very pivotal time when we’re looking back on our lives and saying, did I do enough? Did I give back enough? Or maybe we worked for so many decades and now want to focus on something that we’re passionate about. So many people in our life stage are dealing with so much change. Their kids could be getting older, their parents could be aging or sick, like you said. Their careers could be at a crossroads. Maybe relationships have changed. Whatever. And they want desperately to feel connected to something bigger than themselves. Do you find this is true with your clients who are in this life stage? And what are some of the things you’re seeing people in our generation doing now to add more purpose and meaning to their lives?
Gia: Yeah, for sure. Yes, I totally see this. I think it’s common. As we get older, we start asking questions like, what’s next for me? What’s next for my life? What kind of impact can I make? And that’s kind of what you were talking about. And we start looking at our age, like, I’ve lived, I’ve learned, I’ve got all this stuff, all this wisdom, things I’ve overcome. What can I do with it now to help others? Or maybe you’re thinking like, how can I use my skills? Or my passion? How can I help outside of my core family, if our kids are leaving the house, empty nesting, all that kind of stuff? How can I leave a legacy? Those kinds of things start to pop up.
Maryann: Right, the legacy.
Gia: The legacy is really big: how can I leave a legacy? So in this age group during the pandemic, I noticed, yes, way more involvement. Because the world paused and we started to see things, then things erupted, right, while we didn’t have other things going on. And I think that’s why we had this weird, crazy, important shift right? I think we needed to see what’s going on. That’s how you make change. And I’ve seen people in our age group getting more involved locally. And then I think doing advocacy work around things that create lasting change, that’s the legacy part. How can I leave change for generations to come, right? Like, we’re thinking beyond our kids. What can I leave? What’s next, what’s behind? And then a lot of people in this community are doing things now around the lasting change. Some examples of that are helping to pass laws, or collaborating with organizations that support things like getting out the vote, or, you know, equal rights, social and racial justice, climate activism, all those things that go on forever and affect a lot of people for a long time. And I also see people getting involved with causes that are really personal to them. For example, like you’re talking about, aging parents and maybe raising money for Alzheimer’s research.
Maryann: You know, Gia, I think one of the big ironies of being a woman in this stage of life, especially if you’re a mom, is that you spent so many years raising your kids, taking care of a family. Or if you don’t have kids, just working so damn hard, right? And you’re yearning for more alone time. Then you finally get to that place, and suddenly it feels different than you expected. So you know, maybe your business filled a void of some kind. Maybe you were just so highly identified with your job or your career, your role as a mom. Is that feeling of emptiness or just wanting something more actually the universe telling you, get up off your ass and do something else? [Laughs]
Gia: [Laughs] Yeah, I mean, yes, I relate, 100%. My son, Tobin, is the same age as your daughter, Ava.
Maryann: 20, by the way.
Gia: Yeah, 20. So I’m on my second year of empty nesting. I only have one child. And so I am in that place, yes. It’s strange, and weird. I never thought about the universe telling us something, but I love that. You know, as kind of uncomfortable or strange as it can be in this transition, I think that what feeling we get or the, like, why am I here? What’s going on with me? I think it’s a good thing. I think it’s kind of like nature’s kickstart. You know, it’s like what you were saying. Get off your ass! It reminds us there’s something else out there waiting for you.
Maryann: I think Brené Brown said midlife is the universe telling you…Oh my god, I can’t remember now. Brain fog, menopausal brain fog. [Midlife is “when the universe grabs your shoulders and tells you “I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.”] The universe is telling you to get off your ass.
Gia: That sounds like Brené. Get off your ass.
Maryann: Make a change, yeah.
Gia: Yeah, yeah, I like thinking of it like that. Yeah, we all want to feel purposeful and fulfilled and valued. And, yeah, it could just fire us up again. You know, you might need a minute to catch your breath and regroup and go through your emotions. But I love that, thinking of the next stage of life. Like, hey, it’s time. Let’s go do something meaningful again.
Maryann: Right. And, you know, I’m finding that a lot of women in their 40s, 50s and beyond want to get out there. They want to give back. But they’re not sure where to begin. And that’s where your book sort of comes in, right? One of the great points you make in the book is that philanthropy is not a one size fits all thing, that everybody needs to make a difference in their own way. And you offer a little quiz, which I love, to help readers try to figure out what kind of difference maker they are. A kindness creator, a champion, or a legacy maker. Can you tell us a little bit about each type?
Gia: I sure can. And I’m going to pull my notes, because it’s long. I got notes, by the way, people. We’re just going with it. First of all, it’s super common to not know where to begin. It can be very overwhelming. How you choose to make a difference is definitely not the same for everyone, so just remember that. And I think it’s so important to help people—I love doing this—to find something that you’re personally passionate about that also fits your lifestyle. So that’s super important to think about, as I go through these little three things for the quiz. And by the way—I was gonna say this at the end, but I can say it now and we can link it in the show notes, and people can take it fully free. You don’t even have to put your email in. I just left it up there for you. Or you can get it in the book and it tells you there. So I’ll touch on the key points. I’ll kind of zip through the quiz. So it’s what kind of difference maker are you. You answer a couple questions and you end up with you’re either the kindness creator, the champion or the legacy maker. So the kindness creator is if you want more meaning and purpose in your life. You want to create more positivity and goodness all around you, in your home, your neighborhood and with the people who cross your path. You are the do-gooder, the pay it forward person. It might look like you bring flowers to your coworker if you hear that they’ve had a hard day, or you hold a door open for a stranger when their arms are full. OK, those kinds of things. The champion. The champion is the humanitarian, the ring leader or the community builder. The champion wants to make kindness and giving a part of their lifestyle. You have a mission or a cause you want to support or that you’re passionate about. You want to be part of something bigger. That’s the champion. And for the champion, heartwork might look like organizing a charity walk to raise money for a cause you care about. Or maybe you want to volunteer once a week at the after school program or coach a youth sports team. That’s the champion. And the last one is the legacy maker. And as you might have guessed, this is all about impact. You’re all about impact. You want to change the world and you want to leave a legacy. So the legacy maker will invest whatever time it takes. You’re in it for the long run, and you might have already started. So you are the activist, the spokesperson, the founder. You are devoted and determined. And for the legacy maker, heartwork might look like becoming a speaker and author, a spokesperson and advocate for a cause. It might look like starting a nonprofit, or making a documentary film, or volunteering or working to rally for causes you care about and make that as part of your lifestyle. It’s something you will always do.
Maryann: See, what I love about this is that it gives people the permission to be any of those things, right? They don’t have to start a nonprofit. They can do just the everyday little things to make a difference. Because not everybody has the bandwidth or the time, right, to do something big.
Gia: Yes, 100%. And you know, what’s funny is I’ve found that sometimes you’re in different stages of the quiz. I mean, even though they’re pretty solid. But sometimes I’m like, I don’t have the bandwidth. I’m really the legacy maker, but sometimes I’m in the kindness creator mode. So, it doesn’t mean you’re bottled in. It’s just kind of a fun way to help people. And the questions I asked will get you thinking. I think there’s only 10 questions. It’s very simple. But it kind of just gives you a glimpse, and then the part I didn’t talk about is there’s also things that might hold you back. So it’ll tell you where your pitfalls are, and where to be aware of. That’s in the book.
Maryann: Yeah, we’re gonna get into that a little bit. So once you identify what type of changemaker you are, how do you hone in on a specific way to give back? Because there are so many possibilities, right? Can you give us some tips?
Gia: Sure, yeah. So this is the meat of the book. I call it three steps to get your heart on. And I’ll just go through them really quickly and simply. So the first one is to get clear, right? That’s what you’re asking for. Right? You just want to brainstorm. So you’re just gonna brainstorm, take out a piece of paper, however you like to brainstorm, your notes on your phone. What organizations or causes do you like to support or are you feeling drawn to right now? This doesn’t have to be a forever thing, that’s really important. Where are you at right now? What do you love to do? So for example, if you love to read books, maybe you’re going to want to just help kids have access to library books who don’t have access. Or maybe you want to volunteer one day a week at a school and help read with kids. Do you love turtles? You’re brainstorming now, this is your clarity part. If you love turtles, maybe you can help an organization that keeps plastic out of the oceans. OK, so those are some examples. Once you’ve brainstormed and you have an idea of where you’d like to begin, like something pops out at you, the second step is you’re gonna make a mini plan. So this is not crazy making here. These are like simple steps. We’re just playing with it. And again, you don’t have to be perfect. So you’re just going to step one, brainstorm some ideas, grab one that jumps at you, then you’re going to take that one and you’re gonna list all the things you can do that fit under that. So I’m going to use an example. Here’s your mini plan. Let’s say you want to help with rescue animals. So you’re gonna say, what could I do with rescue animals? Maybe you want to search for it, if you don’t know. You could do things like walk dogs, pet cats. Maybe you could help on an adoption day or with fundraisers. You could offer support with your marketing skills, or maybe you’re really good at writing and you offer to help grant writing. Maybe you love events. You could help with their Christmas Santa photos with pets, I don’t know, throwing things out. [Laughs] Maybe you just want to help spread the word, or you join the board. So that’s your list, you make a mini plan. Here’s what I want to do to help with rescue animals. Here’s some ideas of what I could do. Then you’re going to pick one, OK, only one to start with. And we’re going to break it down. And you’re going to pick one based on how much time you have right now. This is really important. I’ve tried to help people not get to where you put too much on your plate, like you were just talking about. So having the time that you have, you say, OK, I’m gonna help with adoption days, that’s something I can do. That’s the one I’m going to start with. So the steps you’re going to do now, you’re going to say, what does that look like? The steps might be, OK, they require a volunteer orientation. I have to sign up for that. Then I’ve got to attend the orientation. These are like baby steps. Then I find out when the adoption days are. Then I look at my calendar, when am I available? And then you calendar it. And the last step is you act, you go. That’s it. Step one, brainstorm. Step two, make a mini plan, what are some ideas that I can do? Step three, break it down to the point you can put it on your calendar. When you’ve got it to something on your calendar, then that’s ready, then you go do it. It’s easy to go and do. If it’s not on your calendar, if it’s just like, save the whales, that’s not going to help you do anything, right? We’ve got to break it down.
Maryann: [Laughs] That’s a really tall order. Save the whales.
Gia: [Laughs] Right? But that’s what happens to our brain sometimes. It’s like, we think really huge. I hope that made sense. It’s better in my book. It walks you through step by step, it has blanks, I even have a free workbook on my website you can print out that walks you through where you can write in it and do this work together. And then there’s some key points, Maryann, I just want to tell you. Because this is what happens with people’s brains when you start doing this. There’s no wrong way to make a difference. There’s only your way. Just start somewhere. You can always change your mind, like I just said on the quiz. Whatever time you have, you can’t choose wrong. There’s no bad idea, and bigger doesn’t mean better. Like you said, you don’t have to start a non-profit.
Maryann: Absolutely. And I just gotta say this, because this ties in what I’m about to say to the crying thing that we were talking about earlier and the whole choosing your philanthropy, because I was in Safeway or grocery store the other day and there was a tea that said this tea will go to saving the elephants. And I think I lost it just by reading. I just started crying, because elephants, that’s my thing. I feel so bad for the elephants. And I Googled how to save the elephants.
Gia: Oh, yes, I know. So save the whales, save the elephants. I’m all about orangutans. Collective kindness is what it’s all about.
Maryann: So you’re right. I mean, identifying your community or who you want to help is half the battle. And speaking of community, I was thinking, you know, it was years and years ago that Hillary Clinton talked about it taking a village to raise a family. And by now it sounds cliche, but it’s still so true. We really do need our community, right? Not just when we’re raising kids, but in order to take care of one another in our greater community. So I wanted to ask you, Gia, what does community mean to you? And how can people go about identifying and finding that community they want to affect change in?
Gia: Yes, community to me…I love thinking of hoods, like gayborhood, sisterhoods, brotherhoods. That’s just like a feel good way of thinking about community, which is just a group of people that come together for a common purpose or goal. That’s the definition, but I like hoods to get your hoods, right. And I 100% agree, community is so important for so many reasons. And in fact, it’s one of the best and fastest ways we can get started with our heartwork. Either creating a community or joining an existing one. So finding that, how can we go about doing that? So the first thing is, it goes back again to what are your current interests? Who do you like to help? Who would you like to help? So examples, maybe veterans, high school kids, elder care communities, or you want help with micro loans or mentorship. Who do you want to help? You can ask yourself that question to identify your community. What types of people, is another question you can ask. Who might I want to connect with? Do I want to connect with other activists? Do I want to connect with survivors or parents or empty nesters, or educators? These are brainstorming what types of communities you want to look for, get you thinking. And then also there’s tons of support groups. That’s another form of community. And there’s support groups around everything. Single moms, diabetes support groups, you name it, it’s out there. And then you’re going to start Googling and talking to your friends.
Maryann: What would we do without Google?
Gia: I don’t know, I know. What would we do? I think about that. Well, that was me back then. That’s why I cried and wrote letters to Oprah. [Laughs] That’s what we did.
Maryann: [Laughs] Now you can just stalk her on social media.
Gia: Yeah, that’s right. I haven’t done that. I told you, I don’t need her, she needs me. [Laughs]
Maryann: I like that.
Gia: And then the two ways to find community, we can do it in person or in real life, or online, right? So in person, you can find community by going to events in person or helping with a campaign locally. You can go on retreats or workshops, or participate in charity walks, marches or rides, things like that. Online communities are created through podcasts like yours, or social media platforms with Facebook groups. There’s Instagram communities, YouTube communities, you name it. And those are so great, because as we know, it doesn’t matter where you live. It doesn’t take any time to get there, right, you don’t need any money. You can just log in and you’re there. Communities are endless. They’re everywhere. There’s so many kinds, you can pretty much find one on anything that you care about or like. And again, when you find your community around a cause and you start researching, you can start reading about what they do, or go show up to an event and see if you click with the people and you like it.
Maryann: I love that. I like your concept of, you know, going local for finding your community and volunteering. Because I feel like I’m going more local in my old age. I still give to the American Heart Association, the bigger groups, but then my family just started doing our neighborhood group food pantry. And that is so cool, because you can see the change you’re making in real time, which is so nice.
Gia: And there’s something about physically doing something like delivering. I just thought of…I was like, oh my gosh, same thing. I was like, we gotta do something for the shelter for the pets. You know, we did it in the city years ago. We moved back to Truckee now.
Maryann: You love animals.
Gia: I love animals. And I was like, oh, we gotta do it. I’ll get Tobin with me, my son and husband, we’ll rally our friends to donate. Like, look at people’s wish lists—they have wish lists for a lot of shelters—and gather things for Christmas time. Get them new sweaters or blankets or leashes or food or whatever.
Maryann: Yeah, there are so many opportunities this time of year.
Gia: So many.
Maryann: So what are some of the ways we can dip our toes into our cause?
Gia: Yeah, I love this question. I get asked it a lot, because again, go back to how much time do you have. It’s really important, and there’s so many things you can do based on that. In fact, I have a quick little printout—you can get on my websiteand we can link in the show notes—called the kickstart list. And I’ll share a few of the ideas with you or you can go grab that and download it after we’re done and print it out. And I’ll give you ideas of what you can do, so here we go. Example, if you have 30 seconds, you can return someone’s grocery cart for them or buy coffee for the person behind you in line. If you have five minutes, you can help someone register to vote. If you have 30 minutes, you could pick up trash while you’re on your neighborhood walk or walking your dog. If you have 60 minutes, you could donate blood. If you have four hours, you could play the piano at a senior center or tutor a student online. And if you have one day a month, you could help raise money for a cause or attend a charity event. So those are just some quick ideas.
Maryann: Wow, I love that list. I want to do all of them.
Gia: [Laughs] Good.
Maryann: I can’t play piano, though. I tried to learn.
Gia: I know. I could play like one song. They have to hear it on repeat. [Laughs]
Maryann: [Laughs] You could play chopsticks. Or jingle bells.
Gia: We can do that together.
Maryann: Those are great. Thank you.
Gia: Yeah.
Maryann: OK, but now I’m gonna play devil’s advocate. What if there’s a listener out there that is just thinking, I’m too exhausted. I’m too busy. There’s just no way I can give back right now. But doing anything can take us away from our own problems or help us put things into perspective, right, by focusing on something other than ourselves. How do we know when to say yes versus no? Is there a time to say no?
Gia: Sure, yes, of course there’s a time to say no. Definitely, you need to take care of you first. Because otherwise, as we know, we’re not good to anyone, right? You’ll burn out. So you want to take care of you first. Listen to yourself, listen to your gut. And then as far as volunteering, saying yes…Say yes when you’re excited about it and you want to say yes. It should be that simple. And the final part of that is when you feel like you have the energy for it. Because you might want to and you might be excited, but do you have the energy right now? That’s the key. That’s when you should say yes. Not because you feel like you should volunteer. If you don’t have the time or energy for it or you just don’t want to do it, say no, right? There’s so many ways—you just said it—so many ways to give back without volunteering your time. Even if they tell you there’s no one else—that’s a big thing I hear from a lot of clients, someone saying there’s no one else. ‘They told me there’s no one else, I have to do it.” So leave the door open. If you can’t do it, if it’s not the right time for you, you don’t want to do it, you don’t have the energy, leave the door open for someone else to step in who’s maybe ready and excited.
Maryann: Right. Don’t be a martyr, right?
Gia: [Laughs] There we go.
Maryann: So, Gia, giving back can take many forms, right? It doesn’t mean you have to show up to a soup kitchen. You can use your voice to make a difference as well. Can you tell us what you mean by this? You wrote about it in the book.
Gia: Yes, I say grab the mic, use your voice. So in a nutshell, basically, it’s just talking about causes you care about, or sharing something you learned, if it’s personal. Just let people know why something matters to you, and then why it might matter to them. That’s kind of the big piece. Why it matters to you, and why it might matter to them. Because when you share that way—and by sharing I mean grab the mic, tell your friends, talk about things you care about when you’re with people in person. If you post things online, share things you care about. Because people are watching you, OK? Even if they don’t comment, they’re listening. They’re watching. And when you use your voice in that way, when you grab the mic, share your voice, share your perspective, what that does is it helps to create awareness around something you care about, like a cause that makes a difference in your mind. It can educate people that might not know much about it, they can learn something new. And it also can provide more support for that cause, right? It can help build their community. Does this make sense?
Maryann: It does.
Gia: I would say you grab the mic, you use your voice by helping women change the conversation around aging, right? So if I’m hearing someone talking about that, I’m going to direct them to you or your podcasts, because you talk about it. You use your voice in person, in your writing and on your podcast. Oh, I was going to add this last thing that I think is so important. This isn’t being preachy. [Laughs] This is the opposite of being preachy, in my mind, when I say grab the mic. Nobody wants preachy, right? Nobody likes to feel like they need to be on the defense because they maybe aren’t sure what you’re saying or don’t understand it. You’re simply just sharing what you care about.
Maryann: So, what if we want to do more for our communities, but we’re overwhelmed with our lives in general for all the reasons we mentioned earlier? Are there small things we can do right now without feeling the pressure or the responsibility of having to get one more thing on our to do list?
Gia: Yes. Just notice one another. Like, making eye contact, saying hi first. All it takes is a hello. When you’re out and about and you say hello first, be the first one to say hello and introduce yourself to the checker at the grocery store. Do little acts of kindness as you go about your day. We’ve talked a lot about them. You could also support existing causes. People, I think, underestimate how important this is. And I know, because I’ve been on the other side. And you might know with your podcasts, like, causes can be a podcast. It can be anything that you want to support or help spread the word about. Liking someone’s page, commenting on their post, you can donate if you have the funds, help spread the word, leave a positive review, all of that takes like one second of your time. And it’s just so valuable to the person on the other side who’s running that organization or community, just helping them get outside their bubble and connect with more people that care about what they’re doing. That’s another easy thing you can do. And the last thing is—this is my favorite thing, and it’s very basic and very simple, and I think so powerful—just believing in someone and telling them, I believe in you. It’s huge.
Maryann: I love that. And you know, I’m going to share a quick story, because I was at the post office the other day, and there was a clerk working there. I was on this long line, but I could hear him, he was one of three clerks. And every time somebody approached him, he would yell at them. He would say things like, don’t put your card in until I tell you, or back up, or stop it. I hate Christmas. I mean, all of these things. He was just filled with anger. You could tell this man was kind of in pain, you know? And I was telling a friend about this. Actually, she brought it up. She said, have you ever seen that grumpy guy at the post office? And I knew exactly who she was talking about. He’s infamous at this point. So we were talking about maybe writing a letter and complaining about it, because it kind of made everybody in the whole post office unhappy, right, for 20 minutes. So I had this idea of, instead of complaining, writing a letter of complaint, I wrote him a love letter from a secret admirer.
Gia: I knew you were going to say that!
Maryann: Did you know I was going to say that?
Gia: Something along those lines.
Maryann: I was joking about it with my friend. I did it, I actually did. I wrote him a love letter from a secret admirer. And I said he was sexy, and I said, you know, I just wish you were a little less grumpy, because you have really, really nice eyes. I was just hoping, and I said something like, I can’t tell you who I am because I’m unavailable. But I just wanted to let you know how I feel. And I was just praying that he would read something nice about himself and just kind of change his attitude, even for 10 minutes.
Gia: How did you get it to him?
Maryann: I just mailed it to the post office. I knew his clerk number. I knew the number. OK, I hope nobody in San Francisco who works at the post office is listening to this, because I don’t want them to know it was me.
Gia: Aw. I thought you were just gonna say you said something kind to him in the letter, like thoughtful, kind.
Maryann: Well, yeah, I did that too.
Gia: Yeah, but I love that you took it to another step. [Laughs] You wrote him a love letter.
Maryann: I don’t know why, but when I see people who are so grumpy, I feel like they don’t have love in their lives. Or maybe that’s an issue, or you know…
Gia: Well, it can boost your confidence if someone thinks you’re cute when they come into the post office. You might pep up a little bit. Oh my gosh, that’s a hilarious story. That’s awesome.
Maryann: OK, I had to share it.
Gia: Thank you for telling it. I love it.
Maryann: And it’s not like it was completely ingenuine, you know, because I did look at him and say, like, he could be a nice looking fellow if he lost the attitude.
Gia: Because you know what, if you’ve done it the other way, wrote a letter, all it would do is make him more grumpy.
Maryann: Right, exactly. So pick your battles, people. Don’t fight with people who are already hurting or grumpy or whatever.
Gia: Yeah, we never know what someone’s going through.
Maryann: So, Gia, do you have a favorite story of someone who’s made a difference in this stage of life?
Gia: Yes, I do. One woman comes to mind. Her name is Dr. Martha Jo Atkins, and she’s just an incredible woman with the hugest heart. And she does really unique work. What she does is she helps families with end of life support, and she actually created something called the dying school. She’s fascinating. If you want to hear her story, I actually interviewed her on my podcast. Dr. Martha Jo Atkins, go listen to it. It’s amazing. I’ve never talked to anyone who’s done work like this.
Maryann: That’s amazing. That’s really hard work.
Gia: It’s really hard work, but she’s so incredible about taking the…I don’t want to mess up her work, like say her words, but it’s like, we have so many stigmas around death and dying, how awful it can be. And hers is how beautiful it can be, and what she does for families, and it’s really amazing.
Maryann: I’m going to need to listen to that.
Gia: Yes, it’s worth the listen for sure. And so an inspiring story in midlife…She’s done this work forever, but now what inspired me about her, I thought would be fun to share, is she’s decided to make a film. And she talks about it openly, like posts on social media and stuff. And I wrote her last night and just said, hey, I want to talk about you on the podcast. I’m gonna mention something. And can I just read you what she wrote back? Because I thought it was just so honest and real and inspiring.
Maryann: Yeah, we want to hear it.
Gia: Because it’s not edited. That’s what’s funny, is she wrote me back and she’s like, uh, sure, share what I wrote. But I loved it because it was kind of like, in our stage of life, maybe you feel like everything has to be polished, because you’ve got all the answers and you’re afraid to start something, right? And her words, because she was just probably typing on her phone real quick, it wasn’t perfectly scripted. But it’s so her. So here it is. So she said, this film thing is a total hobby. I said, tell me about this film. She said, I’m terrible at it, and it’s so fun. I just bought a new camera. Oh, sorry. I bought a new cinema camera, and will be doing more. I’m making wee films about people at the end of life. The films I’ve used so far have only been for dying school. And next year, I’ll be brave and put some up on a new YouTube channel. The camera’s an interesting addition to the conversation. Sometimes people even forget it’s there. Sometimes they talk to it in a way they wouldn’t talk to me. I really can’t say enough how terrible I am at it. There’s so much to learn. I’ve had some really generous clients and family members. Part of the plan in the next year is to do some traveling around and film more people at the end of life. They’re really the best teachers of dying school. That’s my story. And I just wanted to share it because I thought it was so inspiring that she’s tackling a new project with new technology and just taking her work to another level.
Maryann: That’s incredible. I couldn’t even begin to list the number of women who are doing incredible things right now.
Gia: [Laughs] Right, right.
Maryann: And every day, I’m just awestruck at the projects women are tackling, at the causes they’re helping, the passion they’re pouring into their passion projects.
Gia: We got that ass kick from the universe. [Laughs]
Maryann: [Laughs] We did, we totally did. So, Gia, besides writing this wonderful book, what’s been your favorite way to make a difference in your own community? What kind of giving back makes you come alive?
Gia: What makes you come alive. That’s my favorite question: what makes you feel alive. Over the years, I’ve loved it all. Oh my gosh…I’ve talked about the Humane Society work here and helping to build a no kill shelter. That makes me really happy. The nonprofit getting foster kids out in the wilderness was amazing. I was a CASA for a while—if people don’t know what CASAs are, go check them out. We need you. It’s basically your court appointed social advocate for foster kids. So check it out. You help foster youth have a voice in court and get connected with one child for a long period of time. Really amazing, makes you come alive for sure. Check out CASA. Right now, what makes me come alive is, if you didn’t notice, rescue animals. [Laughs]
Maryann: [Laughs] I think we got that.
Gia: I want to farm, I want to have my own rescue. We’ll see, I keep looking at property all the time. Coaching one on one makes me come alive, helping people do this work. That totally fires me up. And I love telling people what we were just doing. I love telling people about other people doing good things in the world. Like, that’s a lot of my podcasts. We share those stories. But also just in general. Like, I could sit and ask you for two hours, and we could swap stories and it would totally make me feel alive.
Maryann: I know. And it feels like all the news we hear is negative, right? We never hear the stories of people doing good things. And that’s what we need a little more of, especially this time of year.
Gia: Yes. Turn off the TV.
Maryann: Yes. Turn off the TV.
Gia: I don’t watch the news.
Maryann: You’re like the fourth person who said that to me this month. I cannot turn off the news.
Gia: You can. [Laughs]
Maryann: I mean, I do. I have my little pockets of time when I collect the news, I absorb the news, and then I try to let it go.
Gia: Then you walk away.
Maryann: That works for me.
Gia: You need to balance it with the good. Watch the news, then watch your elephant video. [Laughs]
Maryann: No, that makes me cry though. Oh, no, you know what my favorite video is that I send to friends if they’re going to surgery or have something big? Google baby elephants taking a bath.
Maryann: Oh, don’t you think I do that? But then, you know, inevitably you go down this path and other videos pop up about elephants getting sent to the circus, and elephants getting their trunks…
Gia: We don’t watch those. We just watch elephants taking a bath. [Laughs]
Maryann: If I knew Google would just carefully edit what I see, I will do that. But anyway, that’s a whole other story. So, any final tips for those who are still looking for their cause?
Gia: Sure, we can keep going.
Maryann: Any last thoughts?
Gia: Last thoughts. Actually, yeah. Just pick one place. It doesn’t have to be hard. Something you can easily integrate into your day, right? Start the ball, get the ball rolling. Maryann, I know you, right, and your listeners are gonna be just like you. Smart, kickass, caring women. And we just need every single one of you. Like, now’s the time, now’s the time, now’s the time. So pick somewhere to start. And if you want to grab my book to get ideas to get going, go to my website, go to my podcast, reach out to me. I will happily help you if you’re feeling stuck. But just pick one simple place to start and start integrating it into your day, and that hopefully will get you rolling.
Maryann: Great advice. Just pick one thing. I love that. OK, tell us where we can reach you online. We’ll put all those goodies that you mentioned in the show notes with links, but tell us right now in case anyone wants to just dive into your work.
Gia: Yeah, pretty much giaduke.com. It has everything. I am Gia Duke on Facebook, Instagram, social media. Podcast is Get Your Heart On. I took a break from it, but there are 33 episodes on there that have some amazing inspiring guests like Martha Jo Atkins, who I spoke about. And then the free quiz and my one on one coaching and my kickstart list, newsletter, all that are on the website. So I’ll just give you the links and you can pop it in there. And I’d love to meet you. Please say hello. It’s my favorite thing to connect. I genuinely need it. Reach out, don’t be shy, talk to me. [Laughs] I will help you however I can.
Maryann: All right. Gia, thank you so much, and happy holidays. And thank you for all your inspiration today.
Gia: Thank you for having me. This was super fun, and I just appreciate you and your big heart.
Maryann: Aw, thank you.
